Monday, 28 March 2011

Check out my new AVON eBrochure!

I have become an AVON rep! Feel free to browse the book and place an order! Every time there is a new book I will be placing it on my blog for my lovely readers to have a look through.
Please note I am willing to post items (for a small fee) but at the current time I am only willing to post within the UK.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Giving up. Im done.

I give up, I am done.
I don't want to feel bitter anymore. I cant do it. I cant pretend this is not killing me.
Every BFP I see it breaks my heart that it is not me. 
I try to be happy - but I just cant. 
I have 17 friends on Facebook at the moment who are pregnant. Yes thats right SEVEN FUCKING TEEN. I counted them. I like to torture my self with the fact its still not me. I like to laugh at my self and make my self feel like a failure of a woman.
I should have had my baby by now. Instead I have something that has no cure. I have something that makes me fat, grumpy, sleepy, hairy and irregular (I sound like I have swallowed the cast-off versions of the seven dwarfs!) 
What have I done so wrong that has messed my body up so bad I cant do the one thing its supposed to do?
Right now I want to rip my insides out. 
I don't want to obsess over every little twinge anymore - could this be it? is this pregnancy? is this my period?
I just want a normal 28 day cycle. I was consistency. I want to be able to have a chance of making a baby.
Am so sick of fucking 40/50/60/70 day cycles. How am I supposed to make a baby like that?
Its what, as a woman I was made to do. Its what my body is designed for.
I am a failure.
As I type this with tears running down my face I realize just what TTC has done to me.
It has become my every thought, my every want and need.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

New Hair, Makes a person feel brand new.

I decided it was time to change. My hair had gone back to my natural colour and I just really felt like I needed a change. I felt like it was time to freshen my look up a little bit. So here we go...

This was taken straight after I dyed  Gary dyed it. You cant really tell but it is actually a dark purple.
I really, really like it. 
Its amazing how much of a small change can really boost a persons self asteem.
I just need to get it cut now. Roll on Gary's next day off. 
I also look really different minus my glasses. lol. 

PCOS Awareness..

I know I babble on a lot about this but I know there is not enough awareness of PCOS. A non-suffer may ask why should there be when it only effects such a small number of women? To that I answer, the few women it does effect it effects them in such a large way, especially the PCOS'ers who have been trying to conceive for a long time. 
Even the non-TTC'ers it can be tough. The weight gain that comes with PCOS  for some women can be sole destroying especially if until pre-puberty you was slim and toned.

Please, blog readers... Please click this link and sign my Twittion

Weight Watchers.

I have been going to weight watchers for over a year now. I have lost 2.5st in that time. It has not been easy by any means. I gain weight way to easy so I do feel like I have to try harder then a non-PCOS person.
I have done well to loose weigh with only the aid of good old fashion dieting and exercise. 
I have found a love for exercise that I have never had in my life.
I was always the girl in PE class that avoided it like the plague.
 I started loosing weight so I would get clomid but as the weight fell off an my body shape changed I began to feel happier with the way I was starting to look.
I no longer want to go back to the weight I was a year ago. 
I just want to continue to see my weight drop. 
Although my body shape has changed, I am a lower weight now then I was when I fell pregnant with Mia 3 years ago.
For me, Knowing how I was when I was pregnant with Mia gives me hope that when I finally do become pregnant I will be more active and be able to be consistent with eating healthy. 

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

My Soy Cycle.

After hearing so much about soy I decided to take it this cycle.
 I have heard of a few people on Just Mommies getting pregnant by taking this in place of clomid.
As this cycle has gone on for what feels like forever,
I had totally forgotten that this cycle I had taken it. I took it from cycle day 5 till cycle day 10 at 750mg once a day.
It appears that it has not worked as I am now on cycle day 53 , if anything it has made my cycle longer. (my last cycle was 42 days) I guess it doesn't work for everyone.
 However, the end of my cycle could be in site... According to fertility friend I am now 8dpo (days past ovulation) and most people have a luteal phase of 14 days. Im not sure if I want to believe it though as it told me I had ovulated before and then when it was at like 17dop it told me I had not ovulated at all. However last time my coverline was dotted - this time it is a solid line. According to my online friends a solid coverline means FF is certain I ovulated.

 My only worry about the soy not working, is that it is supposed to be a natural clomid. If thats the case - what hope do I have if this doesn't work that clomid will? What if all this hope I have in clomid will be a waste and I wont get anything from clomid?
I know, I know just because soy didnt work for me dosent mean clomid will be the same. Clomid could be my magic medicine and give me the baby I am longing so much for.


Gary is at work and Mia is at school, I have done all my housework so I have nothing left to do for the day..
Its so quiet when they are both at work and school. 
I do feel really lost and I find it so boring!
Right now Mia is only part time so I dread to think what bored I will be when shes full time! - Hopefully by then we will have another little one keeping me company . 
I have just watched the Glee I recoded last night and I am just watching One Born Every Minute. I have no idea why I put my self through this every week. Seeing this women give birth to beautiful babies always leaves me in tears. 
I do tend to watch OBEM when Gary isnt around as he always takes the mick out of me for crying.
I was never this soppy pre Mia. That child has made me a gigantic ball of sappiness

Support PCOS

6-10% Of Women Have PCOS.
I am part of that small number
My daughter has a 50% chance of inheriting PCOS from me.
Support PCOS. Find a cure. 


Sunday, 13 March 2011

Bad Thoughts & Guilty Feelings.

I am feeling so incredibly guilty right now. The thoughts I have had over the past few weeks have some times been very bleek and I have lost any kind of positive thoughts I once had.
Right now, the thought of us having another baby seems pretty much impossible.
I never realised TTC would have such an impact on my mental health.
The tears I have cried, the feeling of heart break it has been such a rollercoaster.Good or bad these emoctions are attached to my journey.
A journey that I honestly thought would not be this long, but sometimes life takes turns for the unexpected.
I dont understand why when I didnt feel ready for children and was on birth control I was sent my miriceal baby Mia, now we're ready and trying we cant get pregnant, instead I get a PCOS diagnosis.
Why everyone else around me seems to get pregnant with no trouble.
We're as every day passes and Mia gets a little older the small age gap I wanted gets larger.
I sometimes doubt I will never have another child. I sometimes feel like we are not ment to expand our family of 3.
Sometimes I feel I should just accept this is our life, Me, Gary and Mia.
Dont get me wrong, I am very greatful to have what we have.
I love my husband and our child very much.
Then other days, like today I feel like I should carry on fighting for the family I know we deserve. The family we should have.
Mordern medicine has come so far, modern medicine is there and should be used to full advantage, espeically if it is giving us a small hope that we would be the family of four i so long for us to be.
I day dream about the day we can tell our family we are finally pregnant.
I dream about all the congratulations and tears of joy that will be said and shared between us all.
I dream about telling Mia she will be having a brother or sister and the look of not really knowing what I am going on about on her face.
I dream about me, Gary and Mia all going to my first scan and seeing the little blob on the screen
I dream about feeling the movements, watching my belly grow, buying baby things, picking names.
I have dreamed about everything, I just cant wait for it to be reality.

Friday, 11 March 2011

My chart.

I have bee temping to see if it works for me. To see if it can give me some indication on how long my cycle will be and see if I can find a rhyme or rhythm to them. I only decided to do this part way through my cycle (CD23) I am not becoming a serious temper as I would get too stressed and this has been complicated to get my head around. I ended up thinking I had ovulated, Turns out it was wrong and I had not. I am now being told I am 4 days past ovulation. This time I think it was right. The night before I had really bad stomach ache and was rather grumpy. Instead of having a dashed red line telling me my coverline the line is now solid. I hope this is right this time. I really want to hurry up and start a new cycle.

My Ovulation Chart

Thursday, 10 March 2011

48 days.

I am on CD48 and I am showing no signs of AF.
I went to the Doctors yesterday in hopes they would be able to give me something to help induce her.
I sat down and told her, Asked her if there was anything she could give me to help make it come. She looked at me like I had an extra head. I gave her examples of drugs I know my self from friends that have PCOS that have taken. She said there was nothing they could give me to make my period come but there was plenty she could give me to make it stop. She never checked or anything. Just told me out right.
I know there is something I could be given as I was given something from my OBGYN to make my period come so I could have my HCG xray.
I wish it was as simple as ringing my OBGYN up and them being able to slot me in as soon as possible. However, they only hold a clinic here twice a month and spaces are tight. I have an appointment in June but they could move it forward to May. There was no real point in doing that.
When I was at the doctors there was a few positive points. My blood pressure is fine and my weight has gone down 3st2lb since Febuary last year.
Every cloud I guess

PCOS is my nemisis.

Or at least it feels like it is right now.
I really wish I was a 'normal' bodied woman right now. Every day that passes we are etching closer to the two year mark of when I first came off the birth control pill. When me and my then soon to be husband decided that trying for a second baby would be the next step.
As far as I was aware I was a normal 20 year old who could have children. I didnt think it would take long. A couple of month maybe.
As long as we have been trying I know of a few people who have gone on to have two more children while we have struggled to have our second.
I just wish I could speed things along and be holding my new born child.
I just wish I could see Mia's face when she see's her new brother or sister.
Hell, even right now id do anything for my period to start. nearly 50 days since I have had a period. In that time a normal person would be coming close to having there second.
I am never going to start clomid at this rate.

Thursday, 24 February 2011

Very bad few days. *sigh*

The past few days trying for another baby has really taken its toll on me.
I have indeed shed more then a few tears over TTC this week. I have at times felt inconsoleable about the whole situation. I thought at one point I was having a break down. It did get that bad.
A few things have happend - that I wont share on here as its not my business too that did indeed, If I am being totally honest break my heart.  I have so much to say on the situation but I cant.
Right now, I am numb... I guess thats a pretty accurate description. Numb. I dont feel like I am living, Just plodding along with the day to day churnings of my life.
I made a post the other day about positivity but I feel like my positive-ness has buggerd off and is now avoiding me with a passion.
Its hard to feel positive when it feels like who or whatever controls the universe has a magnifying glass and your the ant its burning.
I feel like such a div moaning about my infertility struggles because I dont feel like I have the right to be upset/angry over the whole thing.
I mean, why should I be able to be upset about being an infertile 22 year old woman who already has a 3.5yr old beautiful little girl? Does that make me greedy? Selfish? Ungreatful?
But, I cant help it. My family dosent feel complete. I cant help that.


I love how sometimes when listening to music you find a song and can instantly relate to it. For me, Music is one of the biggest parts of my life. I have so many favourite songs. I want to share with you one that a friend shared yesterday that has come into my life at a point in time we're TTC a second baby has never felt more painful and at this moment in time - impossible.
Now, I know not every word applys to my situation but some really hit home.
Never on a first listen has a song made me cry as much as this song.

Thursday, 17 February 2011


I guess what was said to me last night must have played on my mind a lot more then I thought.
I ended up having what I thought was a rather amusing dream last night.
I had a dream I got my long awaited BFP. two bright pink stinking lines.
I started waving it in my sisters face dancing around going 'WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN'
It has amused me rather much, So watch our Kerry. If I come near you I may just start waving a positive pregnancy test in your face. LOL.

Wednesday, 16 February 2011

Positive Thinking.

So, With us being TTC for such a very long time I have experienced so many feelings. Anything from very negitive like 'Why is it happening to them and not me?!' or 'Thats so and so pregnant again for the x time in x ammount of years'  to complete acceptence of our situation like 'If xyz can get pregnant for a 2nd time after trying for x ammount of time it will happen to us too'  and 'I know I can get pregnant, Mia is proof of that'. Right now I am feeling very positive. I am positive we WILL get pregnant again one day, I am positive clomid WILL work for us.
When refering to getting pregnant again its more of a case - for me anyway that it WILL happen.
Anyway, Talking to my sister last night about my weight loss and that WHEN i get pregnant my eating habbits have changed and I hope I wont pile on as much weight second time around as I did with Mia.
Now I dont blame my sister for her reaction - I dont think she realises how sensitive I am towards this whole subject.
Her responce knocked me for six.
Dont you mean 'If'
Thank you for that.
Just piss on my bonfire.
No negitivness please. I have had enough of them thoughts my self over the past two years.
Positive thinking only please.

Tuesday, 15 February 2011


Mia goes to a dance class once a week on a Wednesday. Its the highlight of her week. She loves it and looks forward to it every week. She pretty much counts down to a Wednesday.
Every year the company she goes to hosts this huge dance recitle. This will be Mia's first. I am so excited to see my baby up on the stage dancing her little heart out. She is going to love it. She is a propper little drama queen and will love all the attention.
We went and got our tickets last night and we are second row back and in the middle so we have a perfect view.
We are going to the afternoon performance as I am helping the little ones get ready for the evening performance.
Im such a proud mummy.

Monday, 14 February 2011

Pain in the bum.

And for once I am not referring to my husband.
I woke up this morning in agony. I had been having a pain down my left side for a couple of weeks. It would come and go and I didnt think much of it. Today I woke up and it had spread all over the bottom of my back/ my backside. It took me 15 minutes to drag (and I do mean that in a litral sense) my self out of bed. I had to call Gary to get Mia out of bed as I couldnt litrally move. I was in tears. It was the most pain I had ever been in - And I have had a C/S!!

Sunday, 13 February 2011

Ovulation Predictor Kits, Home Pregnancy Tests and Thermometors.

When we first set out on this TTC journey almost two years ago, I said we wouldnt be come one of them couple that become obsessed with taking temraptures and peeing on ovulation sticks. Even Mr T agreed. We would just have lots of sex and eventually get pregnant. I mean people got pregnant before all this kind of thing was invented and known of.
I guess things change.
I never thought we would be a couple seeking fertility treatments.
In these two years my whole outlook on trying to conceive has changed.
It was more of a rollercoaster then I ever thought it would be.
Anyway, Since I knew we was being prescribe clomid, I wanted to to optimise our chances of it working - thus is turn us getting pregnant.
Now, I thought I would have trouble convincing Mr T to agree with this. He has always maintained the 'it will happen when it happens' attitude all through this. I was wrong. I had been tlking about ovulation tests and showing him them and saying how they work. Not really pushing them on him nor saying that I wanted to use them.  
Showed him them in tesco's and said about how they would possibly increase our chances now we have clomid to use. His responce was to order some off EBAY as they would be cheaper.
I was extatic. I was expecting to have to fight my corner. To nag and nag untill he agree'd.
So that is what I did. I orderd 20 OPK's and 20 HPTs. I hope I dont need them all but I think it is safe to say I am well stocked for a couple of months at least.
All I need now is for AF to show her face then we can get this baby making show on the road!

Saturday, 12 February 2011

Valentines Day

Its not for another couple of days but we managed to get a baby sitter and was able to celebrate it early.
We're not the kind of couple who buy each other boxes of chocolates, have candle lit dinners and exchange mushy cards. That just is not us. Never has been, never will be.
Anyway, We went to my favorite resturant - Frankie and Benny's. I had a chicken carbonara calzone with a jacket potato, Mr T had some chicken and ribs platter. It was loverly!
After there we headed to the cinema to see 'Black Swan'. I had heard a lot of good things about this film, it had won and been nominated for a lot of awards. I loved it. Even Mr T liked it. It was very psycological. Well worth it if you like them kind of films.
Me and Mr gary had a lovely time and it was nice to spend some time alone, as a couple as it dosent happen very often.
Was also nice to talk about something other then us TTC.

Friday, 11 February 2011

Mia is finally better

Its taken a week, but Mia is back to her self.
It took us 6 days to get food down her neck, Was stressful but I am glad she is eating again - even if all she wants is beans on toast. I would rather that then nothing at all.
Also one other thing that has come back that I have missed is her little personality! She has been so quiet and withdrawn I have missed her cheeky attitude and its good to have it back!
Hopfully she wont get ill anymore for a while, My poor girl needs a break!

Monday, 7 February 2011

Now I am sick.

I got what ever Mia had passed straight onto me.
It feels like since she started that nursery we are both constantly sick.
Since she has been there we have both had colds and a bout of conjunctivitus
This cold I had was terrible - I would even go as far as calling it flu.
It knocked me for six. I couldnt eat, sleep and I was barely wanting to drink.
I even had a crazy fever - I normally get colds and can still function. Not this time.
My head felt like it was about to explode aswell.
Unfortunatley for me it lasted Mia about a week. Great!

Sunday, 6 February 2011

Update on Mia.

So, we thought she was getting better. I think I was wrong.
This morning she came through to us after 12 soild hour sleep. She was crying and cried till we got down stairs. As per normal I asked her what she wanted and she asked for Lions (Tesco own brand coco pops!) When I brought it through to her she look a bite and pushed it aside. As I said yesterday breakfast is the one meal we can always know she will eat.
We had to run some errands and she was okay. a bit fussy but nothing to bad..But by the time we got home she was very grumpy and niggly. We offerd her some lunch and refused again.
She fell asleep about half two and slept pretty much all of this afternoon.
When she woke up she was coughing and spluttering :o(
Shes been very grumpy and chesty since waking up. We have offered her at least 3 different things for her evening meal and she has turned everyone of them away.
I just hope shes better for tomorrow as i know she wont like missing school!


How can a game that got released in the states in November LAST YEAR have its release date pushed back for the 3rd time?
I have waited patiently, Had my hopes set on Feb 4th. Went to the shop yesterday and no where had it. According to Argos the game had been pushed back till Feb 11th. A week. 
Today I was looking around to pre-order it and its been pushed back AGAIN till the 23rd March! Thats another whole month and a half away! Seriously, whats taking them so long?!
I could understand if it was a global release date but the fact its already out in another country is kind of annoying.
I am so tempted to get it shipped to me as I am so fed up with waiting.
I need to get my Zumba on! 

Saturday, 5 February 2011

Thank you

When I started this blog a mere month ago I never thought anyone would read it. I thought at most it would be a place where I could vent and say how I am feeling. Maybe even share information in hopes it would get some views. Maybe even inform some people who have no idea what PCOS is. Thank you to everyone who checks this blog once, twice and if i am lucky more then that.
I hope you have picked something up while reading this.
Even if its just a bit about me that you never knew before. 
I am sharing with you MY infertility journey. 
This is how it feels for me, these are my thoughts and feelings.
I am not a natural blogger but I am trying to keep this blog up to date with the going on in my life.
Even the not-so fantastic bits! 
I want this blog to be no hold bars. 
So thank you to everyone who has read my blog, left a comment or clicked on one of my ads.
Emma :o) 

Back away!

If you could see me these past few days you would think i have gone a bit crazy.
I cant help my self. I cant help but look at baby clothes, baby accsessories... I have even been looking at baby names.
I feel I am getting far too hopful.
I know if this dose not work I am going to be heartbroken
I guess this is my way of keeping positive.
Its been two years of trying.
I finally have a reason to feel like I may acutally get my BFP soon

Mia is sick...again.

We've been nursing a poorly toddler the past couple of days.
Yesterday night she was up twice - Once about 2am and then again at 5am. Me and Mia came down at 5am. She just lolled on the sofa - never showed any intrest in her breakfast. I knew then she was poorly. Breakfast is the one meal she never turns down - even normally when she is poorly.
She slept from 8am till 12pm. When she woke up I offerd her, her favorite dinner (Ham & Cheese sandwiches) - She looked at it and boked. She then fell back to sleep.
We kept pushing fluids down her - offering her milkshakes when ever she was awake just so we knew she was getting something in her.
The only time we would move was when she needed the toilet, even then she wanted to be carried. Now anyone who knows Mia, Will know that she dosent stop moving from the moment she gets up till the minute she goes to bed. She is on the move ALL.THE.TIME.
All she did was sleep, cry, sleep, moan, cry and sleep. Was heartbreaking seeing her so poorly. At one point her temprature sored to 39.1'c (102.38f). Luckily stripping her down and giving her some calpol brought it down again.
Today she is a bit better... Shes been moving about but still be very finikey with food.
I am hoping tomorrow she is back to her normal self.
I hate seeing her poorly!

I have a secret...

I have a secret...

I think Mr T is trying not to get too excited,
I think Mr T is trying so hard!
I think he is almost as excited as I am.

When we 1st came off the pill to TTC, Even though he would never admit it he wanted another baby as much as I did, Maybe even more. He suggested I came off the pill when I did. He was excited. He like me thought maybe a couple a months and we would be pregnant.
Now, we now know that was not the case, That didn't happen. Turns out we're not as fertile as we thought we was. I mean wouldn't any couple who fell pregnant when they was on the pill think they was like mega fertile?
As the months past and it became apparent something was wrong with me he started telling me he no longer wanted another baby. That things we're fine with just Mia. Now that must make me sound like a horrible person because I told him that I wanted another baby and carried on doing what I was doing, but I just knew deep down he didn't mean what he said - thats why I pushed forward with the seeing my Dr. I am so glad my womens intuition was right.
Almost bang on a year since we first met Dr B we have been given a small chance of hope. We've been given a small chance of hope in the form of a small tablet. A tablet that could give us, a tablet that could give me, Gary and Mia the chance to extend our family. 
For the 1st time in almost two years the hopeful look is back in his eye.
I know he would never admit it,m but you can tell.
I can almost gauntee if you asked him he would tell you he is only doing this for me. I know its not.

Thursday, 3 February 2011


Ooops! With all the excitement of Wednesday I totally forgot to update my weightloss...
I lost 1.5lb again this week.
Thats 8.5lb in the 4 weeks we have been back since after Christmas.
I am down to 16st13lb. I just need to loose another 9lb to get my 3 stone.
I am really excited and very hopeful to try and get to 15st13. Thats 14lb away.
I am in kicking fat's backside at the moment. I don't remember the last time I weighed 15st.
 I was 16st the first time I joined weight watchers at 16 so it was certainly when I was in secondary school.

A new hope.

I feel our appointment on Wednesday has given us a new lease of hope. After nearly 2 years the excitement of TTC had almost worn off. There is only so many times you have do the deed and keep hopfull even though deep down there is no chance that you could ever be pregnant. It got to the point where it felt like there was no point trying because there was nothing to try for. I had no real reason to try. My body was not ovulating so there was no chance I could get pregnant. It felt like my body had built up this defense and was being its own kind of birth control. A birth control that was not wanted. One that I wished would bugger off! It was the most discouraging feeling in the world. It make me feel hurt and angry knowing how badly we wanted another baby but wouldnt even be in the slighest chance of being pregnant because MY body wont work! 
Being given clomid was like a glimmer of hope. It was like finally feeling like all my hard work is starting to pay off. I am willing this to work with all my heart. I will do anything to make this work.
I am trying so hard to loose as much weight as I can between now and starting it. I would love to be 15st before I fell pregnant. Thats almost a full stone lighter then I was when I fell pregnant with Mia.  

Wednesday, 2 February 2011

We had a great appointment.

Wow... what an appointment.
They was running about an hour behind! Good Old NHS!
 I saw loads of pregnant bellies and felt so envious! I cant wait till thats me! I will wear my bump with pride one day soon! I seriously hate the fact that you have to go to the same place were they do the U/S to see the fertility Dr. Really irks me. Hospital was clearly designed by a man. No consideration to couples suffering from infertility issues.
Anyway!! Onto my appointment....
I got weighed by the nurse... Same as this AM. I am 16st13lb (33lb LESS then my starting weight a year ago). I then had to go and wait outside while the nurse gave my new stats to my Dr. Went in and the Dr asked if I was ok... I said yeah and apologized that I didn't loose much weight this time due to the death we had before x-mas, then x-mas and I put on a lot but since then I have lost 9lb. Dr replied everyone gained over x-mas so don't worry... As long as I am loosing again now its okay.
I also told her about the pain I have been getting...Told her how painfull it was that ibuprofen didn't cut it and ended up going to the doctors she jotted it down in my file and told me to keep an eye on it. 
Then onto the good news... I am taking Clomid. Oh yes! Its taken a year but we have finally progressed from just loosing weight! we are now officially TTC with Medical Assistance! I have been given a 3 month supply of start with.
I have to start taking them on the 2nd dayt of my cycle for 5 days. On the 2nd and 3rd cycle I have to have blood work on CD21. 
I asked what happens if AF don't start on its own what do I do then?, Dr replied if its not here by the end of Feb start of March to call the office and they will see me to sort something out. So fingers crossed AF starts on CD49 like before!!
I was also told that there was risks of multiples with this being a fertility drug.. I replied that thats fine I don't mind! Gary looked like :mellow: hah!
I asked what should I do if I get pregnant, I have to ring them up and chances are they will want to see me and check me out and have a chat.
If the clomid dont work I have an appointment for the 6th June. Fingers tightly crossed I WILL NOT NEED THAT APPOINTMENT!!!!!!

Saturday, 29 January 2011

4 days of Soy.

I just have one more day of soy left. I am really, really... Like mega crazily disappointed. I wanted to feel some side effects, I just wanted to feel something so I could say 'Yes! its working!!' instead I have felt nothing. I don't know if this is because I am taking it before bed and any side effects I am feeling are while I am a sleep. I just don't know. I am assuming I will have a 28 day cycle like any normal person but with having PCOS thats not a given. I am hoping to have another 49 day cycle. Would be nice to get some kind of pattern going on with my body. A pattern I could stick too and maybe start working too instead of feeling like we're trying to blow up a balloon with holes in every month.

Friday, 28 January 2011

My poor baby.

My poor baby has conjunctivitis. Her eyes look so sore and puffy :o( Cant be very comfortable for her either. She has been given some drops that I have to put in 4 times a day. The only thing I can think of is that she has gotten it from some kiddo at school.
When putting her to bed I gave her some calpol as she was very grumpy.  
It also means now I have been very cautious about who she goes near and what she touches etc. She also has her own face cloth and towel.
I hope it clears up soon.

Day 3 of soy.

So I am on day three of taking Soy. I don't *feel* any different. Although I did wake up this morning really hot and sweaty. There was no real reason for me too. It is not warm or anything here, In fact its far too cold for my liking. I know this because when I got up  I had to turn the heating up. So maybe that is a side effect?
I really don't want to get my hopes up and then nothing happens.I have been taking them on a night time as I did read this minimizes side effects - as I have Mia to look after during the day I don't really want to be suffering with side effects so that could be why I am not feeling any different? 
Argh I don't know!
I don't want to get my hopes up and pin them all on Soy working but its so hard not to at least be a little hopeful. I know I am going to end up heart broken if by the end of the month it has not worked and staring back at me is yet again another BFN.
I suppose if thats the case and I have clomid to look forward too it wont be so bad but if I dont... Its going to really hurt. Damn you PCOS and making baby making so freaking hard!

Thursday, 27 January 2011


Today I have had my first go on EA Active 2 in over a week. I am so happy to finally be getting back into the swing of my exercise routine. Even though I have been really ill and not felt like doing it. I have gone from having really bad stomach cramps then straight onto having flu. Past few days I have been pretty much bed bound. I did 20 minutes on it today and burnt 212 calories. I normally burn around 500 so its a bit of a drop to what I got used too before I got ill. The 212 calories burnt were worth me pushing through. I will be doing it again tomorrow. I just hope my chest will be a bit clearer tomorrow.

Soy isoflavones

I have decided I am going to take Soy Isoflavones this cycle. I am going to put my hopes into this working. It is apparently supposed to be a natures version of Clomid. Like most things it has its success stories and then for some other people it didn't work at all. I am taking (As directed by the Holland & Barret website) 3 750mg capsules a day. I am taking them for 5 days so from CD5-10. 
My hope is that they help me ovulate like a normal person and in turn I end up pregnant. It feels like a long shot but after nearly 2 years anything is worth giving a shot... right?
This is the 2nd time I have taken them. The 1st time I took 1 tablet a day for 5 cycles and that didn't work so I have decided to 'up' the dosage. The first time I took them I didnt ovulate at all and ended up having one of my longest cycles ever. Even if I don't get pregnant but I have a 'normal' cycle I will take it again next month (Unless I do get 'proper' Clomid from the Dr.
As it didn't work first time I am kind not holding out much hope but I guess we will see.
 I took my first set of pills yesterday and I am not feeling any side effects. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I would be interested in hearing if any of my blog readers have tried soy isoflavones in the past and your experience with it. Please feel free to leave me a comment :o) 

Wednesday, 26 January 2011

A Week today.

I will find out if all my hard work and effort has paid off. A week today I will find out if I have lost enough weight for me to start taking clomid. I cant believe I have been seeing my OBGYN for almost a year. Time has flown so fast and I have learned so many new things about my body that I didn't know before hand.
Some people give the OBGYN department at my local hospital a hard time, In the year I have been going I cant say we have had any problems to be honest. I have been sent for tests and blood tests to the point of feeling like a pin cushion but with how fast the diagnosis has come about I couldn't be more happier.
I will obviously explain why my weight loss has slowed down since our last appointment - we lost Gary's Grandma then we had Christmas to the diet kind of took a back seat for a few weeks. I am back on track now and more determined then I was before.
I do feel I have done enough to be given Clomid but I guess at the end of the day its upto the Dr.
I have decided though if I get told I need to loose even more weight before I am given it I am going to ask for a certain weight. I feel I would be able to strive better if I knew an exact weight instead of shooting in the dark.

Tuesday, 25 January 2011

This weeks weigh in

I weighed in a day early this week. Considering I have been ill and done zero exercise, got weighed on a evening and its time of the month I still managed to loose weight. Only half a pound but its still a loss so i am still happy.
Gonna work my butt off to get another loss next Wednesday.

Monday, 24 January 2011

In a thinking kind of mood.

Its weird to think that when we started TTC baby number two we honestly thought we would be pregnant within a few months. We had no idea of the underlying issues we had.
After all Mia was conceived while I was on the BCP.
If you told me we would struggle I would tell you, you was daft and in a year I would certianly have had a baby in that time.
Now we are getting closer and closer to the 2 year mark.
If I fall pregnant this 'cycle' (I use that term loosely as I have no idea how long it will be!) there will be almost exactly 4 years between Mia and a possible new baby.

Sunday, 23 January 2011


At my appointment on the 2nd Feb I am going to ask my OBGYN to test for Endometriosis. After talking to a friend last night and going through some of the symptoms it really does seem a possibility. More so after I have felt the past few days.I just hope the Dr B doesn't think I am being silly and tries to brush of my claims. Nor do I want him to think I am trying using google to self diagnose.
Although...If my worries were being brushed off with him I doubt I would have got the PCOS diagnosis so soon.
I guess the worse he can say is no to testing me for it.

Saturday, 22 January 2011

Who ever said...

Being a woman was easy...
Was probably a man.

Loosing Weight

Has been a pretty tough roller coaster for me.Some weeks when I try really hard and get a good weight loss it motivates me and I am really good the next week.All it takes is for me to go off track one week and I have blown it for a few weeks. I am not one of these people who loose weight one week and can get it off the week after. Normally when I go off track I loose it for a few weeks. I still go to meetings but it takes me a few weeks to get back into the swing of things.I wish this wasn't the case but looking at my weight watchers weigh card this seems to be the trend.
Since November I have not gone more then 4 weeks without gaining. I am currently on week 2 of a consecutive weight loss, I am trying to beat 5 weeks. I am trying really hard.
This week so far I have tracked and weighed almost everything I have eaten.
Today will be the first time this week I have felt well enough to exercise and to be honest I am looking forward to it. I have missed the feeling I feel when I have completed my exercise.

Friday, 21 January 2011

Keeping Hydrated.

One of the things I have learned since I have being doing Weight Watchers is that our bodies are clever little things.If we don't eat enough our bodies go into starvation mode and when you do eat your body panics and stores food as fat in case you don't eat enough again. Thus in turn makes it even harder to loose weight correctly.Most of the times when we think we are hungry we are actually thirsty. I have found when I feel hungry I drink a pint of water first and if that 'hunger' goes I know I was just thirsty and if it doesn't go I will have a snack.


That picture is me 41+6. I cant wait till I look like that again. To feel the movements, kicks and punches. Trying to guess what body part was prodding me. The waking up several times a night just to go to the toilet, the excitement of the imminent new arrival. Looking back at pictures of me pregnant with Mia seems like a life time ago. I am excited and hopeful I will be lucky enough experience pregnancy again one day.When that picture was taken I never thought 3 years later I would be sat typing away at my blog because we are struggling to extend our family. I never thought I would want to extend our family. When that picture was taken we was getting ready to leave to go to the hospital to be induced. I was scared as I knew when I left the hospital we would be leaving a family of 3. I was feeling the anxiety's of any new mother to be. What if I cant cope? What if the baby doesn't like me? What if i don't hear it cry when I am asleep?What I wouldn't give to feel like that again! What I would not give to go through it all again with my daughter there cooing over her new brother or sister.

Totally Disapointed.

I feel incredibly let down by this country's NHS.
Yesterday at about 8am I stated getting really bad pains in my left side. I took some painkillers hoping it would reduce the pain. It hardly touched the pain. By 11 o'clock I couldnt take anymore and asked my friends for advice.
I ended up calling NHS direct.
The nurse on the end of the phone couldnt have been more helpfull. I told him about us TTC, That I had PCOS, That my last AF was in January but I knew I couldnt be pregnant. In the end he decided my best port of call was to go straight to A&E to be checked out just to rule out an eptopic pregnancy.
So I got my self sorted while Gary got Mia sorted. We dropped Mia off at my mums as we didnt really want to take her with us incase we would be there for a long time.
We get to A&E, I give them my name and everything and we are told to wait.
According to the TV the waiting time was 3 hours. At our A&E you have to see a triage nurse before you can even see a Dr.
After about 15 minutes I am called through to the triage nurse. She askes my name, DOB, What is wrong with me... I tell her, I have really bad pains in my left side, I have PCOS, we have been TTC for 2 years, My last AF was in December, I know I am not pregnant as I dont 'feel' pregnant. She asked me why I had not contacted my GP 1st so I told her I didnt call them 1st as by the time the pain was too bad they wouldnt have had any appointments left for that day so i called NHS direct and they told me to go to A&E. She Hmm'ed and took my temp/bp and pulse and walked out of the room. Came back a few minutes later and said 'I have tried calling your GP but they are on their lunch at the moment, go home and ring them at half 1 and tell them you have to be seen today' That was my visit to A&E. I was being plamed off onto my GP.
I waited the hour and half for 1.30 to roll around. I rung my GP surgery and asked for an appointment to see the Dr. She told me they were all booked up for today. I told her I went to A&E and they told me I had to call my GP and tell them I had to be seen today. I get put on hold. She comes back a few minutes later telling me to come at 5.10 but be prepared to wait as they are busy.
I was taking 4 ibrophens at a time to ease the pain.
I went to the drs and at half 5 I finally got called through. Gary waited in the waiting room. I told her whats wrong, told her about the PCOS and the TTC. She asked if I had any other children. I told her yes I have a 3y.o little girl. She looks at me then tells me I cant have PCOS because I already have a little girl. I just said to her that Dr B has said himself by all reasoning my daughter should not even exsist.
Then the cheeky mare tells me if I start loosing weight it will increase my chances off fertility. I told her I have lost 2.5st on WW and I still have a long way to go. She told me to get on the bed and that she is going to exam me.
My god when she touched me it hurt like hell... I could have screamed! Thinking back now I should have. I dont know why I try and hide my pain - i think people think it cant be that bad as I am hiding it so well.
Anyway after a few prods and pokes she tells me she thinks I have a water infection and that she wants me to go and see the nurse to do a water sample.
So off i go and see the nurse. I get talking to this lovely nurse. I tell her about the PCOS and TTC and off her own back decieds its probally best to do a pregnancy test just incase. She also dipsticks for infection. She tells me unfortunatley the pregnancy test came back negitive but I have heard Dr B is really good and can do wonderfull things. Good Luck. She also tells me I dont have a water infection but I do have a small trace of blood in my water. Tells me to go back to the waiting room and wait for the dr to call me back through.
I get called back through to the Dr and she askes me what the nurse said. I told her there was no protein and that there was a small trace of blood in my urine. She hmm's and aaah's then says 'you dont have a water infection but i am giving you some antibiotics just incase as you could have one'. So somehow inbetween walking to from the Nurses office to the Dr's office I gained a water infection.
I have never felt so uncared for. I had been past from pillar to post. No one appeared to take me seriously. No one seemed concerned about the fact I had PCOS. Is it because I am young?
The NHS needs a total overhaul. Its disgusting.

Wednesday, 19 January 2011

This Week's weigh in.

After a great weigh in last week I was expecting a lowish number this week. I worked just as hard last week, although I did slow down the exercise a bit as I was hurting pretty badly. I honestly felt like I had pulled a muscel in my stomach/back. I am okay now though :o)


I got on the scales and was 1lb lighter. That is 6.5lb in two weeks! I am very pleased with that! Just 0.5lb more and all the weight I gained over christmas will be off! I am going to try and work really hard and aim for 2lb next week. So lots of planning, good eating, tracking and exercising for me this next week.
I am also in the 2 week count down till my next OBGYN appointment.
I dont feel I have lost enough weight to be considerd for Clomid but we shall see I guess.

Today I met a lovely woman.

She was an older lady. She goes to my Weight Watchers meeting. I have seen her about for a few weeks but have not really spoke to much. Today we sat next to each other and started talking. I found my self opening up to her and told her why I joined weight watchers - How I didnt want my daughter to end up like me and my hopes of extending our family.
Turns out she too has PCOS. She was trying for her eldest daughter for 7 years and was one of the first people to try clomid when it became avalible over here years ago. On her last month before she had to give her body a rest she fell pregnant. After her daughter was born they did not use and protection and 3 years later she fell pregnant naturally with her 2nd daughter. Another 7 years after that she had her 3rd daughter.
She was such a wonderfull woman. Unfortunatley she ended up having to have all her 'bits' removed as they was causing her far too many problems.
Was so nice to hear a sucsess story of a women who struggled for years to conceive and because of medical science ended up becoming a mummy.
Medical science gives hope to people who cant have children, become parents. Such a wonderfull thing.

Monday, 17 January 2011


I think I have exercised a bit too much. I did a lot of core work yesterday and I had never done it before. Today I can feel the pain in my stomach. Owchie. I guess I am going to have to take it easy for a few days. Walking to and from school twice a day will have to be enough till I no longer feel sore. I don't want to cause a serious injury.I have also been following my weight watchers plan very strict again this week. Everything I have eaten has been weighed and wrote down.I am wanting another loss this week. Will be happy with any pound I can loss.Will just have to wait till Wednesday to see how I have done.
I am going away in July for the weekend with some friends so I have a goal - either be pregnant or to have lost a lot more weight.

Sunday, 16 January 2011

Oh Mia!

Oh my darling little angel. How I love you and your little quips. You say things and have no idea of the significance of what you have just said. Your childhood innocence is a great thing for you to have. I wish I could help your current want but its not for lack of trying on mine and your daddy's part. Thats for sure!
So when you ask ' Mummy, I really want a brother or sister' Just know we're trying. We're trying so hard but mummy doesn't work the same way other peoples mummies do. Mummy cant make babies as easy as some people. Thats why your an extra special little miracle. It will happen one day and when they day comes you will be the first person we tell.

Saturday, 15 January 2011

PCOS diet

As some women with PCOS know, One of the joys (note - sarcasm!) is the easy weight gain and the struggle to loose it.
Many women with PCOS also have insulin resistance, Where the body resists the effects of insulin and so produces more to compensates. This can lead to us craving sugary carbs, This unfortunately means its easy to put on weight and very hard to loose.
When I first went to my OBGYN I weighed in at 19st 4lb. I had no idea how my weight got so high. I was struggling to walk without my legs hurting. My Dr advised me to loose weight. I knew nothing on PCOS when I was first diagnosed apart from what I had read from friends with it and doing my own research. One of the things I found was that replacing my old diet of white bread, white pasta, white rice with wholegrain versions made a very big difference. Almost immediately noticed a change. I didn't feel bloated and my mood's changed.

I joined weight watchers as well (see previous post), I do believe that has been the biggest help for me. Right now I am down to 17st and the change is amazing. I walk for miles, I have new found energy.
If you don't want to join weight watchers or any other slimming club I would recommend calorie counting and tracking everything you eat down. Once you know you have to put it down you may find your making better choices.
Remember weight loss is not a fast and easy thing to achieve - especially with PCOS. Hard work and dedication is needed. Give it time and you WILL see results.
**As stated in previous posts I am not a Dr, I am not a medical professional. As always it is recommended you seek professional help before changing your diet drastically.**

Friday, 14 January 2011

Weight Watchers.

I have been a weight watchers member since March 2010. I joined after my 1st appointment with my OBGYN after he told me to sart loosing weight incase we needed to go down the IVF route. When I 1st started I was a force to be messed with. I was loosing consistently. Before I knew it I had lost 2st.
Once I got to 2st I hit a wall. I kept going to my meetings but was loosing and gaining the same amount. Before Christmas we lost my Husbands grandma. We was never at home, We had his Uncle with us, Was eating out a lot and when we did eat at home it was not very good food choices. I managed to stay the same and never gained then we had Christmas. Over Christmas I gained 7lb.
I felt like I had got what I needed out of my system. I worked very had the week back after Christmas and I was so very pleased to step on the scales on Wednesday 5.5lb lighter in just one week! It has given me the motivation I need again. I feel I have my mojo back!
I am back on track now. EA active is my best friend. I will loose more weight this year!I love all this energy I have now just after loosing 2st so cant imagine how great I will feel if I shed another 2st!