4 days of Soy.

I just have one more day of soy left. I am really, really... Like mega crazily disappointed. I wanted to feel some side effects, I just wanted to feel something so I could say 'Yes! its working!!' instead I have felt nothing. I don't know if this is because I am taking it before bed and any side effects I am feeling are while I am a sleep. I just don't know. I am assuming I will have a 28 day cycle like any normal person but with having PCOS thats not a given. I am hoping to have another 49 day cycle. Would be nice to get some kind of pattern going on with my body. A pattern I could stick too and maybe start working too instead of feeling like we're trying to blow up a balloon with holes in every month.

My poor baby.

My poor baby has conjunctivitis. Her eyes look so sore and puffy :o( Cant be very comfortable for her either. She has been given some drops that I have to put in 4 times a day. The only thing I can think of is that she has gotten it from some kiddo at school.

When putting her to bed I gave her some calpol as she was very grumpy.  

It also means now I have been very cautious about who she goes near and what she touches etc. She also has her own face cloth and towel.

I hope it clears up soon.

Day 3 of soy.

So I am on day three of taking Soy. I don't *feel* any different. Although I did wake up this morning really hot and sweaty. There was no real reason for me too. It is not warm or anything here, In fact its far too cold for my liking. I know this because when I got up  I had to turn the heating up. So maybe that is a side effect?
I really don't want to get my hopes up and then nothing happens.I have been taking them on a night time as I did read this minimizes side effects - as I have Mia to look after during the day I don't really want to be suffering with side effects so that could be why I am not feeling any different? 

Argh I don't know!

I don't want to get my hopes up and pin them all on Soy working but its so hard not to at least be a little hopeful. I know I am going to end up heart broken if by the end of the month it has not worked and staring back at me is yet again another BFN.

I suppose if thats the case and I have clomid to look forward too it wont be so bad but if I dont... Its going to really hurt. Damn you PCOS and making baby making so freaking hard!

Exercise.

Today I have had my first go on EA Active 2 in over a week. I am so happy to finally be getting back into the swing of my exercise routine. Even though I have been really ill and not felt like doing it. I have gone from having really bad stomach cramps then straight onto having flu. Past few days I have been pretty much bed bound. I did 20 minutes on it today and burnt 212 calories. I normally burn around 500 so its a bit of a drop to what I got used too before I got ill. The 212 calories burnt were worth me pushing through. I will be doing it again tomorrow. I just hope my chest will be a bit clearer tomorrow.

Soy isoflavones

I have decided I am going to take Soy Isoflavones this cycle. I am going to put my hopes into this working. It is apparently supposed to be a natures version of Clomid. Like most things it has its success stories and then for some other people it didn't work at all. I am taking (As directed by the Holland & Barret website) 3 750mg capsules a day. I am taking them for 5 days so from CD5-10. 
My hope is that they help me ovulate like a normal person and in turn I end up pregnant. It feels like a long shot but after nearly 2 years anything is worth giving a shot... right?
This is the 2nd time I have taken them. The 1st time I took 1 tablet a day for 5 cycles and that didn't work so I have decided to 'up' the dosage. The first time I took them I didnt ovulate at all and ended up having one of my longest cycles ever. Even if I don't get pregnant but I have a 'normal' cycle I will take it again next month (Unless I do get 'proper' Clomid from the Dr.

As it didn't work first time I am kind not holding out much hope but I guess we will see.

 I took my first set of pills yesterday and I am not feeling any side effects. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.

I would be interested in hearing if any of my blog readers have tried soy isoflavones in the past and your experience with it. Please feel free to leave me a comment :o) 

.

A Week today.

I will find out if all my hard work and effort has paid off. A week today I will find out if I have lost enough weight for me to start taking clomid. I cant believe I have been seeing my OBGYN for almost a year. Time has flown so fast and I have learned so many new things about my body that I didn't know before hand.
Some people give the OBGYN department at my local hospital a hard time, In the year I have been going I cant say we have had any problems to be honest. I have been sent for tests and blood tests to the point of feeling like a pin cushion but with how fast the diagnosis has come about I couldn't be more happier.
I will obviously explain why my weight loss has slowed down since our last appointment - we lost Gary's Grandma then we had Christmas to the diet kind of took a back seat for a few weeks. I am back on track now and more determined then I was before.
I do feel I have done enough to be given Clomid but I guess at the end of the day its upto the Dr.
I have decided though if I get told I need to loose even more weight before I am given it I am going to ask for a certain weight. I feel I would be able to strive better if I knew an exact weight instead of shooting in the dark.

This weeks weigh in

I weighed in a day early this week. Considering I have been ill and done zero exercise, got weighed on a evening and its time of the month I still managed to loose weight. Only half a pound but its still a loss so i am still happy.

Gonna work my butt off to get another loss next Wednesday.

In a thinking kind of mood.

Its weird to think that when we started TTC baby number two we honestly thought we would be pregnant within a few months. We had no idea of the underlying issues we had.
After all Mia was conceived while I was on the BCP.
If you told me we would struggle I would tell you, you was daft and in a year I would certianly have had a baby in that time.
Now we are getting closer and closer to the 2 year mark.
If I fall pregnant this 'cycle' (I use that term loosely as I have no idea how long it will be!) there will be almost exactly 4 years between Mia and a possible new baby.

Endometriosis

At my appointment on the 2nd Feb I am going to ask my OBGYN to test for Endometriosis. After talking to a friend last night and going through some of the symptoms it really does seem a possibility. More so after I have felt the past few days.I just hope the Dr B doesn't think I am being silly and tries to brush of my claims. Nor do I want him to think I am trying using google to self diagnose.
Although...If my worries were being brushed off with him I doubt I would have got the PCOS diagnosis so soon.I guess the worse he can say is no to testing me for it.

Who ever said...

Being a woman was easy...

Was probably a man.

Loosing Weight

Has been a pretty tough roller coaster for me.Some weeks when I try really hard and get a good weight loss it motivates me and I am really good the next week.All it takes is for me to go off track one week and I have blown it for a few weeks. I am not one of these people who loose weight one week and can get it off the week after. Normally when I go off track I loose it for a few weeks. I still go to meetings but it takes me a few weeks to get back into the swing of things.I wish this wasn't the case but looking at my weight watchers weigh card this seems to be the trend.
Since November I have not gone more then 4 weeks without gaining. I am currently on week 2 of a consecutive weight loss, I am trying to beat 5 weeks. I am trying really hard.This week so far I have tracked and weighed almost everything I have eaten.
Today will be the first time this week I have felt well enough to exercise and to be honest I am looking forward to it. I have missed the feeling I feel when I have completed my exercise.

Keeping Hydrated.

One of the things I have learned since I have being doing Weight Watchers is that our bodies are clever little things.If we don't eat enough our bodies go into starvation mode and when you do eat your body panics and stores food as fat in case you don't eat enough again. Thus in turn makes it even harder to loose weight correctly.Most of the times when we think we are hungry we are actually thirsty. I have found when I feel hungry I drink a pint of water first and if that 'hunger' goes I know I was just thirsty and if it doesn't go I will have a snack.

Bump.

That picture is me 41+6. I cant wait till I look like that again. To feel the movements, kicks and punches. Trying to guess what body part was prodding me. The waking up several times a night just to go to the toilet, the excitement of the imminent new arrival. Looking back at pictures of me pregnant with Mia seems like a life time ago. I am excited and hopeful I will be lucky enough experience pregnancy again one day.When that picture was taken I never thought 3 years later I would be sat typing away at my blog because we are struggling to extend our family. I never thought I would want to extend our family. When that picture was taken we was getting ready to leave to go to the hospital to be induced. I was scared as I knew when I left the hospital we would be leaving a family of 3. I was feeling the anxiety's of any new mother to be. What if I cant cope? What if the baby doesn't like me? What if i don't hear it cry when I am asleep?What I wouldn't give to feel like that again! What I would not give to go through it all again with my daughter there cooing over her new brother or sister.

Totally Disapointed.

I feel incredibly let down by this country's NHS.

Yesterday at about 8am I stated getting really bad pains in my left side. I took some painkillers hoping it would reduce the pain. It hardly touched the pain. By 11 o'clock I couldnt take anymore and asked my friends for advice.

I ended up calling NHS direct.

The nurse on the end of the phone couldnt have been more helpfull. I told him about us TTC, That I had PCOS, That my last AF was in January but I knew I couldnt be pregnant. In the end he decided my best port of call was to go straight to A&E to be checked out just to rule out an eptopic pregnancy.

So I got my self sorted while Gary got Mia sorted. We dropped Mia off at my mums as we didnt really want to take her with us incase we would be there for a long time.

We get to A&E, I give them my name and everything and we are told to wait.

According to the TV the waiting time was 3 hours. At our A&E you have to see a triage nurse before you can even see a Dr.

After about 15 minutes I am called through to the triage nurse. She askes my name, DOB, What is wrong with me... I tell her, I have really bad pains in my left side, I have PCOS, we have been TTC for 2 years, My last AF was in December, I know I am not pregnant as I dont 'feel' pregnant. She asked me why I had not contacted my GP 1st so I told her I didnt call them 1st as by the time the pain was too bad they wouldnt have had any appointments left for that day so i called NHS direct and they told me to go to A&E. She Hmm'ed and took my temp/bp and pulse and walked out of the room. Came back a few minutes later and said 'I have tried calling your GP but they are on their lunch at the moment, go home and ring them at half 1 and tell them you have to be seen today' That was my visit to A&E. I was being plamed off onto my GP.

I waited the hour and half for 1.30 to roll around. I rung my GP surgery and asked for an appointment to see the Dr. She told me they were all booked up for today. I told her I went to A&E and they told me I had to call my GP and tell them I had to be seen today. I get put on hold. She comes back a few minutes later telling me to come at 5.10 but be prepared to wait as they are busy.

I was taking 4 ibrophens at a time to ease the pain.

I went to the drs and at half 5 I finally got called through. Gary waited in the waiting room. I told her whats wrong, told her about the PCOS and the TTC. She asked if I had any other children. I told her yes I have a 3y.o little girl. She looks at me then tells me I cant have PCOS because I already have a little girl. I just said to her that Dr B has said himself by all reasoning my daughter should not even exsist.

Then the cheeky mare tells me if I start loosing weight it will increase my chances off fertility. I told her I have lost 2.5st on WW and I still have a long way to go. She told me to get on the bed and that she is going to exam me.

My god when she touched me it hurt like hell... I could have screamed! Thinking back now I should have. I dont know why I try and hide my pain - i think people think it cant be that bad as I am hiding it so well.

Anyway after a few prods and pokes she tells me she thinks I have a water infection and that she wants me to go and see the nurse to do a water sample.

So off i go and see the nurse. I get talking to this lovely nurse. I tell her about the PCOS and TTC and off her own back decieds its probally best to do a pregnancy test just incase. She also dipsticks for infection. She tells me unfortunatley the pregnancy test came back negitive but I have heard Dr B is really good and can do wonderfull things. Good Luck. She also tells me I dont have a water infection but I do have a small trace of blood in my water. Tells me to go back to the waiting room and wait for the dr to call me back through.

I get called back through to the Dr and she askes me what the nurse said. I told her there was no protein and that there was a small trace of blood in my urine. She hmm's and aaah's then says 'you dont have a water infection but i am giving you some antibiotics just incase as you could have one'. So somehow inbetween walking to from the Nurses office to the Dr's office I gained a water infection.

I have never felt so uncared for. I had been past from pillar to post. No one appeared to take me seriously. No one seemed concerned about the fact I had PCOS. Is it because I am young?

The NHS needs a total overhaul. Its disgusting.

This Week's weigh in.

After a great weigh in last week I was expecting a lowish number this week. I worked just as hard last week, although I did slow down the exercise a bit as I was hurting pretty badly. I honestly felt like I had pulled a muscel in my stomach/back. I am okay now though :o)

Anyway!

I got on the scales and was 1lb lighter. That is 6.5lb in two weeks! I am very pleased with that! Just 0.5lb more and all the weight I gained over christmas will be off! I am going to try and work really hard and aim for 2lb next week. So lots of planning, good eating, tracking and exercising for me this next week.
I am also in the 2 week count down till my next OBGYN appointment.
I dont feel I have lost enough weight to be considerd for Clomid but we shall see I guess.

Today I met a lovely woman.

She was an older lady. She goes to my Weight Watchers meeting. I have seen her about for a few weeks but have not really spoke to much. Today we sat next to each other and started talking. I found my self opening up to her and told her why I joined weight watchers - How I didnt want my daughter to end up like me and my hopes of extending our family.
Turns out she too has PCOS. She was trying for her eldest daughter for 7 years and was one of the first people to try clomid when it became avalible over here years ago. On her last month before she had to give her body a rest she fell pregnant. After her daughter was born they did not use and protection and 3 years later she fell pregnant naturally with her 2nd daughter. Another 7 years after that she had her 3rd daughter.
She was such a wonderfull woman. Unfortunatley she ended up having to have all her 'bits' removed as they was causing her far too many problems.
Was so nice to hear a sucsess story of a women who struggled for years to conceive and because of medical science ended up becoming a mummy.
Medical science gives hope to people who cant have children, become parents. Such a wonderfull thing.

Woops!

I think I have exercised a bit too much. I did a lot of core work yesterday and I had never done it before. Today I can feel the pain in my stomach. Owchie. I guess I am going to have to take it easy for a few days. Walking to and from school twice a day will have to be enough till I no longer feel sore. I don't want to cause a serious injury.I have also been following my weight watchers plan very strict again this week. Everything I have eaten has been weighed and wrote down.I am wanting another loss this week. Will be happy with any pound I can loss.Will just have to wait till Wednesday to see how I have done.
I am going away in July for the weekend with some friends so I have a goal - either be pregnant or to have lost a lot more weight.

Oh Mia!

Oh my darling little angel. How I love you and your little quips. You say things and have no idea of the significance of what you have just said. Your childhood innocence is a great thing for you to have. I wish I could help your current want but its not for lack of trying on mine and your daddy's part. Thats for sure!
So when you ask ' Mummy, I really want a brother or sister' Just know we're trying. We're trying so hard but mummy doesn't work the same way other peoples mummies do. Mummy cant make babies as easy as some people. Thats why your an extra special little miracle. It will happen one day and when they day comes you will be the first person we tell.

PCOS diet

As some women with PCOS know, One of the joys (note - sarcasm!) is the easy weight gain and the struggle to loose it.
Many women with PCOS also have insulin resistance, Where the body resists the effects of insulin and so produces more to compensates. This can lead to us craving sugary carbs, This unfortunately means its easy to put on weight and very hard to loose.
When I first went to my OBGYN I weighed in at 19st 4lb. I had no idea how my weight got so high. I was struggling to walk without my legs hurting. My Dr advised me to loose weight. I knew nothing on PCOS when I was first diagnosed apart from what I had read from friends with it and doing my own research. One of the things I found was that replacing my old diet of white bread, white pasta, white rice with wholegrain versions made a very big difference. Almost immediately noticed a change. I didn't feel bloated and my mood's changed.

I joined weight watchers as well (see previous post), I do believe that has been the biggest help for me. Right now I am down to 17st and the change is amazing. I walk for miles, I have new found energy.
If you don't want to join weight watchers or any other slimming club I would recommend calorie counting and tracking everything you eat down. Once you know you have to put it down you may find your making better choices.

Remember weight loss is not a fast and easy thing to achieve - especially with PCOS. Hard work and dedication is needed. Give it time and you WILL see results.

**As stated in previous posts I am not a Dr, I am not a medical professional. As always it is recommended you seek professional help before changing your diet drastically.**

Weight Watchers.

I have been a weight watchers member since March 2010. I joined after my 1st appointment with my OBGYN after he told me to sart loosing weight incase we needed to go down the IVF route. When I 1st started I was a force to be messed with. I was loosing consistently. Before I knew it I had lost 2st.
Once I got to 2st I hit a wall. I kept going to my meetings but was loosing and gaining the same amount. Before Christmas we lost my Husbands grandma. We was never at home, We had his Uncle with us, Was eating out a lot and when we did eat at home it was not very good food choices. I managed to stay the same and never gained then we had Christmas. Over Christmas I gained 7lb.
I felt like I had got what I needed out of my system. I worked very had the week back after Christmas and I was so very pleased to step on the scales on Wednesday 5.5lb lighter in just one week! It has given me the motivation I need again. I feel I have my mojo back!

I am back on track now. EA active is my best friend. I will loose more weight this year!I love all this energy I have now just after loosing 2st so cant imagine how great I will feel if I shed another 2st!

My baby started school

On Tuesday my baby grew up. She started nursery. I have been so nervous for this day for weeks. Since she was born I have always been by her side. Apart from a few times when she has stopped at family members over nights she has always been with me.
The idea of handing her over to some strangers for 15 hours a week filled me with dread. I searched the internet for WEEKS looking for the best school in my area. I read tons of OFSTED reports and on-line reviews. We finally settled on putting her name down for a school not too far from us. It is a lovely little place with glowing reports.

Anyway. On Tuesday the day finally came for my baby to go to school. I got her ready in her little uniform, did her hair and she looked so grown up. My baby is no longer a baby. She is a school girl.
At 9.30am we dropped her off. She didn't batter an eye lid and she said goodbye. She ran straight into the classroom. Her teacher had to ask her if she wanted to say goodbye to mum and dad. There was no tears, No please don't leave mummy. Nothing. Nada. She didnt care.
When we left the building I felt the tears rise and slowly creep down my face. I cried. My husband laughed and called me and idiot. He dosent understand. What a milestone. I have a child in school.

Starting school.

My baby starts school in just under a week.

She is very ready for it, I on the other hand, Not so much.

I am convinced when we wave goodbye for her 1st day I will break down in tears while Mia just swans off without a care in the world.

She will be amazed at the new world that has opend up to her, while I will go home and twiddle my thumbs for a few hours before I will go and pick her up.

I will miss her terribly, i know this, We do everything together. She is my right arm.

We tried her little uniform on her and she looks so grown up.

3 years ago she was just 13 weeks old. Its gone so fast.

I am trying to savour every moment with her but the moment are just flashing before my eyes.

In the past year so much has changed, We can hold full conversations, she is no longer in nappies, she is in a adult sized bed and we waved goodbye to the doodoo. She is no longer a baby but... My little girl.

*Sigh* so many bittersweet things.

Horrible to feel this way.

I cant seem to get rid of how my last post has made me feel.
Anyone would think I knew this girl personally. I dont.
My heart is breaking into a million peices.
I dont want any pity.
I just want to shake this feeling.
Think I am going to go and read my book - Try and make my self feel better.
Tomorrow is a new day and all that jazz.

Tonight I cried.

We have been at my mums all day today.
My younger sister started talking about someone she knows.
She has found out she is pregnant.
Shes having an abortion.
She has had a scan, seen her baby but still wants to get rid of it.
Shes having to have sugery to have the baby removed. (we dont know how far she is)
It broke my heart.
I walked out the room and cried like a baby.

I mourned that lost life.

That child should have been mine.

Life. Is. A. Cunt.

What is PCOS?

I decided to do this blog as a frank and honest as I could and I cant really do that if you dont understand fully what is wrong with my body.
If your reading this you may already know. Just incase there is someone out there reading this who dosent really know or knows some but not a lot and would like to know I will inform you a little.
**I am not a doctor - nor do I think I am, What I know is based on nights upon nights of internet research/ talking to lovely women on my mummy fourm and what my own OBGYN has told me.
If you think you could have PCOS please go to your Dr as they know a lot more then a woman at a keyboard.**

"Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which women typically have a number of small cysts around the edge of their ovaries (polycystic ovaries). They also have one or more additional symptoms.

Some symtoms include..

* absent or irregular periods

* infertility - you need to ovulate to become pregnant and you may not be ovulating regularly or at all
* obesity or being overweight

* excess hair (hirsutism) on your face, around your nipples or on your lower abdomen

* thinning of the hair on top of your head

* acne"

Personally for me, I suffer from; absent or irregular periods, infertility, obesity, excess hair and i have mild acne.
Since finding out I have PCOS I have lost 2.5st. Its not a very easy battle as women with PCOS genrally put on weight a lot easier then women who dont. I have changed my diet in so many ways.
I try and eat as healthy as possible although I do allow my self some treats. I am following the weight watchers programme and doing regular exercieses.
I have cut out white carbs from my diet apart from allowing my self potatoes a couple of times a week.
My white bread has been changed to wholegrain bread.
White pasta has been changed to brown pasta
White rice has also been swapped for brown rice.
Once they was alliminated from my diet I didnt feel as bloated or as lathargic.

People say the nicest things...

Sometimes people say the most unwanted of things. Sometimes they dont realise how much it hurts - espeically if you have never been in their possistion before. Below are some of my 'favourites'.

'Dont you think its time you had another one, Mia needs a brother or sister'

Owch. This can be forgiven if they dont know we're trying but it really isnt nice to hear. Normally a 'Its not for lack of trying' is enough but for some nosey people they like to know more. I dont mind sharing the whole 'PCOS' thing with people (as long as its someone i know) as it is who I am. Some people dont like to share there inner workings and just grin and bare this silly question.

I have also been asked on the bus about giving my child a brother or sister normally a polite smile and a curtious 'We're not planning on it' and walking off does the trick.

'You should be lucky, you've already got one little girl'

This really hurts. I have been told on more then one occasion that I should be lucky to have my little girl - I am more then greaftfull to have my little girl. I dont need someone telling me I should be lucky to have her. You make me feel like I dont care about her. She has all the love and everything else she needs, She is never EVER short of hugs, kisses or I love you's. She is my baby girl and I love her.

At the end of the day it really dosent mean that my family is complete.

'Just relax, It will happen'

Erm, No it wont. Relaxing wont make my cyst coverd ovaries suddenly decied to work. Just because 'relaxing' worked for your uncle bobs, sisters, second cousions, aunties sister really dosent mean it will work for me. Science has proven that my little girl is a genuine mirical and shouldnt even exisist. How many people get hit by lightening twice?

Some times I cant help but feel like I am broken. My body dosent seem to want to do the one thing it is naturally able to do. That women before me have done for millions of years. Get pregnant.

I. Am. A. Broken. Human.

How we got to this point.

I was 18 years old and had been going out with Gary for five months. I was on birth control and had been since I was 16. We thought we was practitcing safe sex. We had never ever even discussed kids. We was enjoying our selves. We had gotten Engaged on New Years Eve. I moved in late January. Febuary 9th my life changed forever. I had been getting stomach cramps and sore boobs for about a week or so. I ended up going to the drs. She asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant. I told her no as I was on the pill. She did a pregnancy test and it came back negitive, but she said I had a water infection. For some reason Gary was not convinced. Something didnt set right with him and he wanted to do another test incase the dr was wrong. I was more then happy to say 'told you the dr was right!'

Later that night I took two diffrent brand tests at the same time, While they was doing what it needed to do we sat in the bedroom. Even though it was negitive at the drs I was scared. I made Gary go and look. He told me they was positive. I thought he was lying. I looked for my self. The words 'pregnant' and two pink lines. No deyning two tests. I was pregnant at 18 with a guy I had only been with for five months. Not ideal. I ran back into the bedroom crying saying I had ruined my life. After a few days I had gotten my head around this and I was happy. We was expecting our 1st child.

Mia Jane was born via emergency c-section on the 27th October 2007 at 03.18am, 9 days past her due date weighing 8lb8oz, 52cm long. She was Gary's double. As far as we was concerned our family was done. After the experience we had with Mia's birth neither of us wanted anymore.

Fast forward to Mia's 1st birthday and I got this feeling I had never had before. I wanted another baby. I wanted to extend our family. I wanted to give Mia a brother or sister. A sibling she could love and play with. After a lot of talking we decided to wait and I would come off the BC after our wedding.
The day after my hen party I threw my BC away. We started TTC in May 2009. We got married and was full of optermisum that because I fell preg on the BC 1st time around I would fall easily this time around. How wrong I was. We waited for either a BFP or for my period to start. Nothing. She eventually came the following month. Then nothing till November. I went to the dr. She refered me for a scan on my ovarys.

The scan showed I had cysts on my ovarys. My Dr was 99% sure I had PCOS although she couldnt give me an offical diagnosis and sent me to go see a OBGYN.

After months of tests March 2010 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Gary was also tested. His sperm was not fantastic. Infact they was pretty poor. We was told by all logic Mia should not exsist. She was a mirical baby.

A HSG xray in August showed that my left tube is pretty badly blocked. My heart broke some more. When we set out on this journey I never thought it would be so heartbreaking. Now almost a year later we were still not pregnant.

I srtarted loosing weight so we can proceed onto medical assitance. I am trying to loose weight so we can start clomid. I am currently 35lb down from when I started. I am making progress so we can srtart on the fertlity drug clomid.

2011 is the year I get pregnant. Just you see.