Very bad few days. *sigh*

The past few days trying for another baby has really taken its toll on me.

I have indeed shed more then a few tears over TTC this week. I have at times felt inconsoleable about the whole situation. I thought at one point I was having a break down. It did get that bad.

A few things have happend - that I wont share on here as its not my business too that did indeed, If I am being totally honest break my heart.  I have so much to say on the situation but I cant.

Right now, I am numb... I guess thats a pretty accurate description. Numb. I dont feel like I am living, Just plodding along with the day to day churnings of my life.

I made a post the other day about positivity but I feel like my positive-ness has buggerd off and is now avoiding me with a passion.

Its hard to feel positive when it feels like who or whatever controls the universe has a magnifying glass and your the ant its burning.

I feel like such a div moaning about my infertility struggles because I dont feel like I have the right to be upset/angry over the whole thing.

I mean, why should I be able to be upset about being an infertile 22 year old woman who already has a 3.5yr old beautiful little girl? Does that make me greedy? Selfish? Ungreatful?

Probally.

But, I cant help it. My family dosent feel complete. I cant help that.

Music.

I love how sometimes when listening to music you find a song and can instantly relate to it. For me, Music is one of the biggest parts of my life. I have so many favourite songs. I want to share with you one that a friend shared yesterday that has come into my life at a point in time we're TTC a second baby has never felt more painful and at this moment in time - impossible.

Now, I know not every word applys to my situation but some really hit home.

Never on a first listen has a song made me cry as much as this song.

Dreams.

I guess what was said to me last night must have played on my mind a lot more then I thought.

I ended up having what I thought was a rather amusing dream last night.

I had a dream I got my long awaited BFP. two bright pink stinking lines.

I started waving it in my sisters face dancing around going 'WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN'

It has amused me rather much, So watch our Kerry. If I come near you I may just start waving a positive pregnancy test in your face. LOL.

Positive Thinking.

So, With us being TTC for such a very long time I have experienced so many feelings. Anything from very negitive like 'Why is it happening to them and not me?!' or 'Thats so and so pregnant again for the x time in x ammount of years'  to complete acceptence of our situation like 'If xyz can get pregnant for a 2nd time after trying for x ammount of time it will happen to us too'  and 'I know I can get pregnant, Mia is proof of that'. Right now I am feeling very positive. I am positive we WILL get pregnant again one day, I am positive clomid WILL work for us.

When refering to getting pregnant again its more of a case - for me anyway that it WILL happen.

Anyway, Talking to my sister last night about my weight loss and that WHEN i get pregnant my eating habbits have changed and I hope I wont pile on as much weight second time around as I did with Mia.

Now I dont blame my sister for her reaction - I dont think she realises how sensitive I am towards this whole subject.

Her responce knocked me for six.

Dont you mean 'If'

Owch.

Thank you for that.

Just piss on my bonfire.

No negitivness please. I have had enough of them thoughts my self over the past two years.

Positive thinking only please.

Dance

Mia goes to a dance class once a week on a Wednesday. Its the highlight of her week. She loves it and looks forward to it every week. She pretty much counts down to a Wednesday.

Every year the company she goes to hosts this huge dance recitle. This will be Mia's first. I am so excited to see my baby up on the stage dancing her little heart out. She is going to love it. She is a propper little drama queen and will love all the attention.

We went and got our tickets last night and we are second row back and in the middle so we have a perfect view.
We are going to the afternoon performance as I am helping the little ones get ready for the evening performance.

Im such a proud mummy.

Pain in the bum.

And for once I am not referring to my husband.

I woke up this morning in agony. I had been having a pain down my left side for a couple of weeks. It would come and go and I didnt think much of it. Today I woke up and it had spread all over the bottom of my back/ my backside. It took me 15 minutes to drag (and I do mean that in a litral sense) my self out of bed. I had to call Gary to get Mia out of bed as I couldnt litrally move. I was in tears. It was the most pain I had ever been in - And I have had a C/S!!

Ovulation Predictor Kits, Home Pregnancy Tests and Thermometors.

When we first set out on this TTC journey almost two years ago, I said we wouldnt be come one of them couple that become obsessed with taking temraptures and peeing on ovulation sticks. Even Mr T agreed. We would just have lots of sex and eventually get pregnant. I mean people got pregnant before all this kind of thing was invented and known of.

I guess things change.

I never thought we would be a couple seeking fertility treatments.

In these two years my whole outlook on trying to conceive has changed.

It was more of a rollercoaster then I ever thought it would be.

Anyway, Since I knew we was being prescribe clomid, I wanted to to optimise our chances of it working - thus is turn us getting pregnant.

Now, I thought I would have trouble convincing Mr T to agree with this. He has always maintained the 'it will happen when it happens' attitude all through this. I was wrong. I had been tlking about ovulation tests and showing him them and saying how they work. Not really pushing them on him nor saying that I wanted to use them.  

Showed him them in tesco's and said about how they would possibly increase our chances now we have clomid to use. His responce was to order some off EBAY as they would be cheaper.

I was extatic. I was expecting to have to fight my corner. To nag and nag untill he agree'd.

So that is what I did. I orderd 20 OPK's and 20 HPTs. I hope I dont need them all but I think it is safe to say I am well stocked for a couple of months at least.

All I need now is for AF to show her face then we can get this baby making show on the road!

Valentines Day

Its not for another couple of days but we managed to get a baby sitter and was able to celebrate it early.

We're not the kind of couple who buy each other boxes of chocolates, have candle lit dinners and exchange mushy cards. That just is not us. Never has been, never will be.

Anyway, We went to my favorite resturant - Frankie and Benny's. I had a chicken carbonara calzone with a jacket potato, Mr T had some chicken and ribs platter. It was loverly!

After there we headed to the cinema to see 'Black Swan'. I had heard a lot of good things about this film, it had won and been nominated for a lot of awards. I loved it. Even Mr T liked it. It was very psycological. Well worth it if you like them kind of films.

Me and Mr gary had a lovely time and it was nice to spend some time alone, as a couple as it dosent happen very often.

Was also nice to talk about something other then us TTC.

Mia is finally better

Its taken a week, but Mia is back to her self.

It took us 6 days to get food down her neck, Was stressful but I am glad she is eating again - even if all she wants is beans on toast. I would rather that then nothing at all.

Also one other thing that has come back that I have missed is her little personality! She has been so quiet and withdrawn I have missed her cheeky attitude and its good to have it back!

Hopfully she wont get ill anymore for a while, My poor girl needs a break!

Now I am sick.

I got what ever Mia had passed straight onto me.

It feels like since she started that nursery we are both constantly sick.

Since she has been there we have both had colds and a bout of conjunctivitus

This cold I had was terrible - I would even go as far as calling it flu.

It knocked me for six. I couldnt eat, sleep and I was barely wanting to drink.

I even had a crazy fever - I normally get colds and can still function. Not this time.

My head felt like it was about to explode aswell.

Unfortunatley for me it lasted Mia about a week. Great!

Update on Mia.

So, we thought she was getting better. I think I was wrong.

This morning she came through to us after 12 soild hour sleep. She was crying and cried till we got down stairs. As per normal I asked her what she wanted and she asked for Lions (Tesco own brand coco pops!) When I brought it through to her she look a bite and pushed it aside. As I said yesterday breakfast is the one meal we can always know she will eat.

We had to run some errands and she was okay. a bit fussy but nothing to bad..But by the time we got home she was very grumpy and niggly. We offerd her some lunch and refused again.

She fell asleep about half two and slept pretty much all of this afternoon.

When she woke up she was coughing and spluttering :o(

Shes been very grumpy and chesty since waking up. We have offered her at least 3 different things for her evening meal and she has turned everyone of them away.

I just hope shes better for tomorrow as i know she wont like missing school!

Zumba..

How can a game that got released in the states in November LAST YEAR have its release date pushed back for the 3rd time?

I have waited patiently, Had my hopes set on Feb 4th. Went to the shop yesterday and no where had it. According to Argos the game had been pushed back till Feb 11th. A week. 

Today I was looking around to pre-order it and its been pushed back AGAIN till the 23rd March! Thats another whole month and a half away! Seriously, whats taking them so long?!

I could understand if it was a global release date but the fact its already out in another country is kind of annoying.

I am so tempted to get it shipped to me as I am so fed up with waiting.

I need to get my Zumba on! 

Thank you

When I started this blog a mere month ago I never thought anyone would read it. I thought at most it would be a place where I could vent and say how I am feeling. Maybe even share information in hopes it would get some views. Maybe even inform some people who have no idea what PCOS is. Thank you to everyone who checks this blog once, twice and if i am lucky more then that.
I hope you have picked something up while reading this.

Even if its just a bit about me that you never knew before. 

I am sharing with you MY infertility journey. 

This is how it feels for me, these are my thoughts and feelings.

I am not a natural blogger but I am trying to keep this blog up to date with the going on in my life.

Even the not-so fantastic bits! 

I want this blog to be no hold bars. 

So thank you to everyone who has read my blog, left a comment or clicked on one of my ads.

Emma :o) 

Back away!

If you could see me these past few days you would think i have gone a bit crazy.
I cant help my self. I cant help but look at baby clothes, baby accsessories... I have even been looking at baby names.

I feel I am getting far too hopful.

I know if this dose not work I am going to be heartbroken

I guess this is my way of keeping positive.

Its been two years of trying.

I finally have a reason to feel like I may acutally get my BFP soon

Mia is sick...again.

We've been nursing a poorly toddler the past couple of days.

Yesterday night she was up twice - Once about 2am and then again at 5am. Me and Mia came down at 5am. She just lolled on the sofa - never showed any intrest in her breakfast. I knew then she was poorly. Breakfast is the one meal she never turns down - even normally when she is poorly.

She slept from 8am till 12pm. When she woke up I offerd her, her favorite dinner (Ham & Cheese sandwiches) - She looked at it and boked. She then fell back to sleep.

We kept pushing fluids down her - offering her milkshakes when ever she was awake just so we knew she was getting something in her.

The only time we would move was when she needed the toilet, even then she wanted to be carried. Now anyone who knows Mia, Will know that she dosent stop moving from the moment she gets up till the minute she goes to bed. She is on the move ALL.THE.TIME.

All she did was sleep, cry, sleep, moan, cry and sleep. Was heartbreaking seeing her so poorly. At one point her temprature sored to 39.1'c (102.38f). Luckily stripping her down and giving her some calpol brought it down again.

Today she is a bit better... Shes been moving about but still be very finikey with food.

I am hoping tomorrow she is back to her normal self.

I hate seeing her poorly!

I have a secret...

I have a secret...

I think Mr T is trying not to get too excited,
I think Mr T is trying so hard!
I think he is almost as excited as I am.

When we 1st came off the pill to TTC, Even though he would never admit it he wanted another baby as much as I did, Maybe even more. He suggested I came off the pill when I did. He was excited. He like me thought maybe a couple a months and we would be pregnant.
Now, we now know that was not the case, That didn't happen. Turns out we're not as fertile as we thought we was. I mean wouldn't any couple who fell pregnant when they was on the pill think they was like mega fertile?

As the months past and it became apparent something was wrong with me he started telling me he no longer wanted another baby. That things we're fine with just Mia. Now that must make me sound like a horrible person because I told him that I wanted another baby and carried on doing what I was doing, but I just knew deep down he didn't mean what he said - thats why I pushed forward with the seeing my Dr. I am so glad my womens intuition was right.
Almost bang on a year since we first met Dr B we have been given a small chance of hope. We've been given a small chance of hope in the form of a small tablet. A tablet that could give us, a tablet that could give me, Gary and Mia the chance to extend our family. 

For the 1st time in almost two years the hopeful look is back in his eye.
I know he would never admit it,m but you can tell.

I can almost gauntee if you asked him he would tell you he is only doing this for me. I know its not.

Weightloss

Ooops! With all the excitement of Wednesday I totally forgot to update my weightloss...

I lost 1.5lb again this week.
Thats 8.5lb in the 4 weeks we have been back since after Christmas.
I am down to 16st13lb. I just need to loose another 9lb to get my 3 stone.
I am really excited and very hopeful to try and get to 15st13. Thats 14lb away.
I am in kicking fat's backside at the moment. I don't remember the last time I weighed 15st.
 I was 16st the first time I joined weight watchers at 16 so it was certainly when I was in secondary school.

A new hope.

I feel our appointment on Wednesday has given us a new lease of hope. After nearly 2 years the excitement of TTC had almost worn off. There is only so many times you have do the deed and keep hopfull even though deep down there is no chance that you could ever be pregnant. It got to the point where it felt like there was no point trying because there was nothing to try for. I had no real reason to try. My body was not ovulating so there was no chance I could get pregnant. It felt like my body had built up this defense and was being its own kind of birth control. A birth control that was not wanted. One that I wished would bugger off! It was the most discouraging feeling in the world. It make me feel hurt and angry knowing how badly we wanted another baby but wouldnt even be in the slighest chance of being pregnant because MY body wont work! 

Being given clomid was like a glimmer of hope. It was like finally feeling like all my hard work is starting to pay off. I am willing this to work with all my heart. I will do anything to make this work.

I am trying so hard to loose as much weight as I can between now and starting it. I would love to be 15st before I fell pregnant. Thats almost a full stone lighter then I was when I fell pregnant with Mia.  

We had a great appointment.

Wow... what an appointment.
They was running about an hour behind! Good Old NHS!

 I saw loads of pregnant bellies and felt so envious! I cant wait till thats me! I will wear my bump with pride one day soon! I seriously hate the fact that you have to go to the same place were they do the U/S to see the fertility Dr. Really irks me. Hospital was clearly designed by a man. No consideration to couples suffering from infertility issues.
Anyway!! Onto my appointment....
I got weighed by the nurse... Same as this AM. I am 16st13lb (33lb LESS then my starting weight a year ago). I then had to go and wait outside while the nurse gave my new stats to my Dr. Went in and the Dr asked if I was ok... I said yeah and apologized that I didn't loose much weight this time due to the death we had before x-mas, then x-mas and I put on a lot but since then I have lost 9lb. Dr replied everyone gained over x-mas so don't worry... As long as I am loosing again now its okay.
I also told her about the pain I have been getting...Told her how painfull it was that ibuprofen didn't cut it and ended up going to the doctors she jotted it down in my file and told me to keep an eye on it. 
Then onto the good news... I am taking Clomid. Oh yes! Its taken a year but we have finally progressed from just loosing weight! we are now officially TTC with Medical Assistance! I have been given a 3 month supply of 50mg.to start with.
I have to start taking them on the 2nd dayt of my cycle for 5 days. On the 2nd and 3rd cycle I have to have blood work on CD21. 
I asked what happens if AF don't start on its own what do I do then?, Dr replied if its not here by the end of Feb start of March to call the office and they will see me to sort something out. So fingers crossed AF starts on CD49 like before!!
I was also told that there was risks of multiples with this being a fertility drug.. I replied that thats fine I don't mind! Gary looked like :mellow: hah!
I asked what should I do if I get pregnant, I have to ring them up and chances are they will want to see me and check me out and have a chat.
If the clomid dont work I have an appointment for the 6th June. Fingers tightly crossed I WILL NOT NEED THAT APPOINTMENT!!!!!!