Sunday, 13 March 2011

Bad Thoughts & Guilty Feelings.

I am feeling so incredibly guilty right now. The thoughts I have had over the past few weeks have some times been very bleek and I have lost any kind of positive thoughts I once had.
Right now, the thought of us having another baby seems pretty much impossible.
I never realised TTC would have such an impact on my mental health.
The tears I have cried, the feeling of heart break it has been such a rollercoaster.Good or bad these emoctions are attached to my journey.
A journey that I honestly thought would not be this long, but sometimes life takes turns for the unexpected.
I dont understand why when I didnt feel ready for children and was on birth control I was sent my miriceal baby Mia, now we're ready and trying we cant get pregnant, instead I get a PCOS diagnosis.
Why everyone else around me seems to get pregnant with no trouble.
We're as every day passes and Mia gets a little older the small age gap I wanted gets larger.
I sometimes doubt I will never have another child. I sometimes feel like we are not ment to expand our family of 3.
Sometimes I feel I should just accept this is our life, Me, Gary and Mia.
Dont get me wrong, I am very greatful to have what we have.
I love my husband and our child very much.
Then other days, like today I feel like I should carry on fighting for the family I know we deserve. The family we should have.
Mordern medicine has come so far, modern medicine is there and should be used to full advantage, espeically if it is giving us a small hope that we would be the family of four i so long for us to be.
I day dream about the day we can tell our family we are finally pregnant.
I dream about all the congratulations and tears of joy that will be said and shared between us all.
I dream about telling Mia she will be having a brother or sister and the look of not really knowing what I am going on about on her face.
I dream about me, Gary and Mia all going to my first scan and seeing the little blob on the screen
I dream about feeling the movements, watching my belly grow, buying baby things, picking names.
I have dreamed about everything, I just cant wait for it to be reality.

1 comment:

  1. Keep your chin up girl, it WILL happen for you xxx I wish I knew what to say better than that, you're an incredibly brave and courageous woman x Ellie x