I give up, I am done.
I don't want to feel bitter anymore. I cant do it. I cant pretend this is not killing me.
Every BFP I see it breaks my heart that it is not me.
I try to be happy - but I just cant.
I have 17 friends on Facebook at the moment who are pregnant. Yes thats right SEVEN FUCKING TEEN. I counted them. I like to torture my self with the fact its still not me. I like to laugh at my self and make my self feel like a failure of a woman.
I should have had my baby by now. Instead I have something that has no cure. I have something that makes me fat, grumpy, sleepy, hairy and irregular (I sound like I have swallowed the cast-off versions of the seven dwarfs!)
What have I done so wrong that has messed my body up so bad I cant do the one thing its supposed to do?
Right now I want to rip my insides out.
I don't want to obsess over every little twinge anymore - could this be it? is this pregnancy? is this my period?
I just want a normal 28 day cycle. I was consistency. I want to be able to have a chance of making a baby.
Am so sick of fucking 40/50/60/70 day cycles. How am I supposed to make a baby like that?
Its what, as a woman I was made to do. Its what my body is designed for.
I am a failure.
As I type this with tears running down my face I realize just what TTC has done to me.
It has become my every thought, my every want and need.