Saturday, 19 March 2011

Giving up. Im done.

I give up, I am done.
I don't want to feel bitter anymore. I cant do it. I cant pretend this is not killing me.
Every BFP I see it breaks my heart that it is not me. 
I try to be happy - but I just cant. 
I have 17 friends on Facebook at the moment who are pregnant. Yes thats right SEVEN FUCKING TEEN. I counted them. I like to torture my self with the fact its still not me. I like to laugh at my self and make my self feel like a failure of a woman.
I should have had my baby by now. Instead I have something that has no cure. I have something that makes me fat, grumpy, sleepy, hairy and irregular (I sound like I have swallowed the cast-off versions of the seven dwarfs!) 
What have I done so wrong that has messed my body up so bad I cant do the one thing its supposed to do?
Right now I want to rip my insides out. 
I don't want to obsess over every little twinge anymore - could this be it? is this pregnancy? is this my period?
I just want a normal 28 day cycle. I was consistency. I want to be able to have a chance of making a baby.
Am so sick of fucking 40/50/60/70 day cycles. How am I supposed to make a baby like that?
Its what, as a woman I was made to do. Its what my body is designed for.
I am a failure.
As I type this with tears running down my face I realize just what TTC has done to me.
It has become my every thought, my every want and need.


  1. Oh dear, I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's normal. I have been there more than once. Here's my advice for the TTC battle. I've turned it into something I do, like brushing my teeth. I took all the emotion out of it, and I simply keep doing it every month. It made it easier to accept - because the highs and lows of anticipation and disappointment are too much to manage. I went went 6 years of unprotected sex - no BFP, then a surprise BFP and a 20 week miscarriage, then 5 years of actively TTC and BFNs, then 1 IVF cycle (BFN) and finally 1 frozen egg transfer (BFP). The road for us infertile ladies is ugly and full of heartbreak. I hope you get the strength to continue because the rewards if we're successful are completely worth it.

  2. im right there with you girlfriend
    glad i found your blog!