My baby started school

On Tuesday my baby grew up. She started nursery. I have been so nervous for this day for weeks. Since she was born I have always been by her side. Apart from a few times when she has stopped at family members over nights she has always been with me.
The idea of handing her over to some strangers for 15 hours a week filled me with dread. I searched the internet for WEEKS looking for the best school in my area. I read tons of OFSTED reports and on-line reviews. We finally settled on putting her name down for a school not too far from us. It is a lovely little place with glowing reports.

Anyway. On Tuesday the day finally came for my baby to go to school. I got her ready in her little uniform, did her hair and she looked so grown up. My baby is no longer a baby. She is a school girl.
At 9.30am we dropped her off. She didn't batter an eye lid and she said goodbye. She ran straight into the classroom. Her teacher had to ask her if she wanted to say goodbye to mum and dad. There was no tears, No please don't leave mummy. Nothing. Nada. She didnt care.
When we left the building I felt the tears rise and slowly creep down my face. I cried. My husband laughed and called me and idiot. He dosent understand. What a milestone. I have a child in school.

Starting school.

My baby starts school in just under a week.

She is very ready for it, I on the other hand, Not so much.

I am convinced when we wave goodbye for her 1st day I will break down in tears while Mia just swans off without a care in the world.

She will be amazed at the new world that has opend up to her, while I will go home and twiddle my thumbs for a few hours before I will go and pick her up.

I will miss her terribly, i know this, We do everything together. She is my right arm.

We tried her little uniform on her and she looks so grown up.

3 years ago she was just 13 weeks old. Its gone so fast.

I am trying to savour every moment with her but the moment are just flashing before my eyes.

In the past year so much has changed, We can hold full conversations, she is no longer in nappies, she is in a adult sized bed and we waved goodbye to the doodoo. She is no longer a baby but... My little girl.

*Sigh* so many bittersweet things.

Horrible to feel this way.

I cant seem to get rid of how my last post has made me feel.
Anyone would think I knew this girl personally. I dont.
My heart is breaking into a million peices.
I dont want any pity.
I just want to shake this feeling.
Think I am going to go and read my book - Try and make my self feel better.
Tomorrow is a new day and all that jazz.

Tonight I cried.

We have been at my mums all day today.
My younger sister started talking about someone she knows.
She has found out she is pregnant.
Shes having an abortion.
She has had a scan, seen her baby but still wants to get rid of it.
Shes having to have sugery to have the baby removed. (we dont know how far she is)
It broke my heart.
I walked out the room and cried like a baby.

I mourned that lost life.

That child should have been mine.

Life. Is. A. Cunt.

What is PCOS?

I decided to do this blog as a frank and honest as I could and I cant really do that if you dont understand fully what is wrong with my body.
If your reading this you may already know. Just incase there is someone out there reading this who dosent really know or knows some but not a lot and would like to know I will inform you a little.
**I am not a doctor - nor do I think I am, What I know is based on nights upon nights of internet research/ talking to lovely women on my mummy fourm and what my own OBGYN has told me.
If you think you could have PCOS please go to your Dr as they know a lot more then a woman at a keyboard.**

"Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which women typically have a number of small cysts around the edge of their ovaries (polycystic ovaries). They also have one or more additional symptoms.

Some symtoms include..

* absent or irregular periods

* infertility - you need to ovulate to become pregnant and you may not be ovulating regularly or at all
* obesity or being overweight

* excess hair (hirsutism) on your face, around your nipples or on your lower abdomen

* thinning of the hair on top of your head

* acne"

Personally for me, I suffer from; absent or irregular periods, infertility, obesity, excess hair and i have mild acne.
Since finding out I have PCOS I have lost 2.5st. Its not a very easy battle as women with PCOS genrally put on weight a lot easier then women who dont. I have changed my diet in so many ways.
I try and eat as healthy as possible although I do allow my self some treats. I am following the weight watchers programme and doing regular exercieses.
I have cut out white carbs from my diet apart from allowing my self potatoes a couple of times a week.
My white bread has been changed to wholegrain bread.
White pasta has been changed to brown pasta
White rice has also been swapped for brown rice.
Once they was alliminated from my diet I didnt feel as bloated or as lathargic.

People say the nicest things...

Sometimes people say the most unwanted of things. Sometimes they dont realise how much it hurts - espeically if you have never been in their possistion before. Below are some of my 'favourites'.

'Dont you think its time you had another one, Mia needs a brother or sister'

Owch. This can be forgiven if they dont know we're trying but it really isnt nice to hear. Normally a 'Its not for lack of trying' is enough but for some nosey people they like to know more. I dont mind sharing the whole 'PCOS' thing with people (as long as its someone i know) as it is who I am. Some people dont like to share there inner workings and just grin and bare this silly question.

I have also been asked on the bus about giving my child a brother or sister normally a polite smile and a curtious 'We're not planning on it' and walking off does the trick.

'You should be lucky, you've already got one little girl'

This really hurts. I have been told on more then one occasion that I should be lucky to have my little girl - I am more then greaftfull to have my little girl. I dont need someone telling me I should be lucky to have her. You make me feel like I dont care about her. She has all the love and everything else she needs, She is never EVER short of hugs, kisses or I love you's. She is my baby girl and I love her.

At the end of the day it really dosent mean that my family is complete.

'Just relax, It will happen'

Erm, No it wont. Relaxing wont make my cyst coverd ovaries suddenly decied to work. Just because 'relaxing' worked for your uncle bobs, sisters, second cousions, aunties sister really dosent mean it will work for me. Science has proven that my little girl is a genuine mirical and shouldnt even exisist. How many people get hit by lightening twice?

Some times I cant help but feel like I am broken. My body dosent seem to want to do the one thing it is naturally able to do. That women before me have done for millions of years. Get pregnant.

I. Am. A. Broken. Human.

How we got to this point.

I was 18 years old and had been going out with Gary for five months. I was on birth control and had been since I was 16. We thought we was practitcing safe sex. We had never ever even discussed kids. We was enjoying our selves. We had gotten Engaged on New Years Eve. I moved in late January. Febuary 9th my life changed forever. I had been getting stomach cramps and sore boobs for about a week or so. I ended up going to the drs. She asked me if there was any chance I could be pregnant. I told her no as I was on the pill. She did a pregnancy test and it came back negitive, but she said I had a water infection. For some reason Gary was not convinced. Something didnt set right with him and he wanted to do another test incase the dr was wrong. I was more then happy to say 'told you the dr was right!'

Later that night I took two diffrent brand tests at the same time, While they was doing what it needed to do we sat in the bedroom. Even though it was negitive at the drs I was scared. I made Gary go and look. He told me they was positive. I thought he was lying. I looked for my self. The words 'pregnant' and two pink lines. No deyning two tests. I was pregnant at 18 with a guy I had only been with for five months. Not ideal. I ran back into the bedroom crying saying I had ruined my life. After a few days I had gotten my head around this and I was happy. We was expecting our 1st child.

Mia Jane was born via emergency c-section on the 27th October 2007 at 03.18am, 9 days past her due date weighing 8lb8oz, 52cm long. She was Gary's double. As far as we was concerned our family was done. After the experience we had with Mia's birth neither of us wanted anymore.

Fast forward to Mia's 1st birthday and I got this feeling I had never had before. I wanted another baby. I wanted to extend our family. I wanted to give Mia a brother or sister. A sibling she could love and play with. After a lot of talking we decided to wait and I would come off the BC after our wedding.
The day after my hen party I threw my BC away. We started TTC in May 2009. We got married and was full of optermisum that because I fell preg on the BC 1st time around I would fall easily this time around. How wrong I was. We waited for either a BFP or for my period to start. Nothing. She eventually came the following month. Then nothing till November. I went to the dr. She refered me for a scan on my ovarys.

The scan showed I had cysts on my ovarys. My Dr was 99% sure I had PCOS although she couldnt give me an offical diagnosis and sent me to go see a OBGYN.

After months of tests March 2010 I was diagnosed with PCOS. Gary was also tested. His sperm was not fantastic. Infact they was pretty poor. We was told by all logic Mia should not exsist. She was a mirical baby.

A HSG xray in August showed that my left tube is pretty badly blocked. My heart broke some more. When we set out on this journey I never thought it would be so heartbreaking. Now almost a year later we were still not pregnant.

I srtarted loosing weight so we can proceed onto medical assitance. I am trying to loose weight so we can start clomid. I am currently 35lb down from when I started. I am making progress so we can srtart on the fertlity drug clomid.

2011 is the year I get pregnant. Just you see.