My Soy Cycle.

After hearing so much about soy I decided to take it this cycle.
 I have heard of a few people on Just Mommies getting pregnant by taking this in place of clomid.
As this cycle has gone on for what feels like forever, I had totally forgotten that this cycle I had taken it. I took it from cycle day 5 till cycle day 10 at 750mg once a day.
It appears that it has not worked as I am now on cycle day 53 , if anything it has made my cycle longer. (my last cycle was 42 days) I guess it doesn't work for everyone.
 However, the end of my cycle could be in site... According to fertility friend I am now 8dpo (days past ovulation) and most people have a luteal phase of 14 days. Im not sure if I want to believe it though as it told me I had ovulated before and then when it was at like 17dop it told me I had not ovulated at all. However last time my coverline was dotted - this time it is a solid line. According to my online friends a solid coverline means FF is certain I ovulated.

 My only worry about the soy not working, is that it is supposed to be a natural clomid. If thats the case - what hope do I have if this doesn't work that clomid will? What if all this hope I have in clomid will be a waste and I wont get anything from clomid?

I know, I know just because soy didnt work for me dosent mean clomid will be the same. Clomid could be my magic medicine and give me the baby I am longing so much for.

Boring.

Gary is at work and Mia is at school, I have done all my housework so I have nothing left to do for the day..

Its so quiet when they are both at work and school. 

I do feel really lost and I find it so boring!

Right now Mia is only part time so I dread to think what bored I will be when shes full time! - Hopefully by then we will have another little one keeping me company . 

I have just watched the Glee I recoded last night and I am just watching One Born Every Minute. I have no idea why I put my self through this every week. Seeing this women give birth to beautiful babies always leaves me in tears. 

I do tend to watch OBEM when Gary isnt around as he always takes the mick out of me for crying.

I was never this soppy pre Mia. That child has made me a gigantic ball of sappiness. 

Support PCOS

6-10% Of Women Have PCOS.

I am part of that small number

My daughter has a 50% chance of inheriting PCOS from me.

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Bad Thoughts & Guilty Feelings.

I am feeling so incredibly guilty right now. The thoughts I have had over the past few weeks have some times been very bleek and I have lost any kind of positive thoughts I once had.

Right now, the thought of us having another baby seems pretty much impossible.

I never realised TTC would have such an impact on my mental health.

The tears I have cried, the feeling of heart break it has been such a rollercoaster.Good or bad these emoctions are attached to my journey.

A journey that I honestly thought would not be this long, but sometimes life takes turns for the unexpected.

I dont understand why when I didnt feel ready for children and was on birth control I was sent my miriceal baby Mia, now we're ready and trying we cant get pregnant, instead I get a PCOS diagnosis.

Why everyone else around me seems to get pregnant with no trouble.
We're as every day passes and Mia gets a little older the small age gap I wanted gets larger.

I sometimes doubt I will never have another child. I sometimes feel like we are not ment to expand our family of 3.

Sometimes I feel I should just accept this is our life, Me, Gary and Mia.

Dont get me wrong, I am very greatful to have what we have.

I love my husband and our child very much.

Then other days, like today I feel like I should carry on fighting for the family I know we deserve. The family we should have.
Mordern medicine has come so far, modern medicine is there and should be used to full advantage, espeically if it is giving us a small hope that we would be the family of four i so long for us to be.

I day dream about the day we can tell our family we are finally pregnant.

I dream about all the congratulations and tears of joy that will be said and shared between us all.

I dream about telling Mia she will be having a brother or sister and the look of not really knowing what I am going on about on her face.

I dream about me, Gary and Mia all going to my first scan and seeing the little blob on the screen

I dream about feeling the movements, watching my belly grow, buying baby things, picking names.

I have dreamed about everything, I just cant wait for it to be reality.

My chart.

I have bee temping to see if it works for me. To see if it can give me some indication on how long my cycle will be and see if I can find a rhyme or rhythm to them. I only decided to do this part way through my cycle (CD23) I am not becoming a serious temper as I would get too stressed and this has been complicated to get my head around. I ended up thinking I had ovulated, Turns out it was wrong and I had not. I am now being told I am 4 days past ovulation. This time I think it was right. The night before I had really bad stomach ache and was rather grumpy. Instead of having a dashed red line telling me my coverline the line is now solid. I hope this is right this time. I really want to hurry up and start a new cycle.

My Ovulation Chart

48 days.

I am on CD48 and I am showing no signs of AF.

I went to the Doctors yesterday in hopes they would be able to give me something to help induce her.

I sat down and told her, Asked her if there was anything she could give me to help make it come. She looked at me like I had an extra head. I gave her examples of drugs I know my self from friends that have PCOS that have taken. She said there was nothing they could give me to make my period come but there was plenty she could give me to make it stop. She never checked or anything. Just told me out right.

I know there is something I could be given as I was given something from my OBGYN to make my period come so I could have my HCG xray.

I wish it was as simple as ringing my OBGYN up and them being able to slot me in as soon as possible. However, they only hold a clinic here twice a month and spaces are tight. I have an appointment in June but they could move it forward to May. There was no real point in doing that.

When I was at the doctors there was a few positive points. My blood pressure is fine and my weight has gone down 3st2lb since Febuary last year.

Every cloud I guess

PCOS is my nemisis.

Or at least it feels like it is right now.
I really wish I was a 'normal' bodied woman right now. Every day that passes we are etching closer to the two year mark of when I first came off the birth control pill. When me and my then soon to be husband decided that trying for a second baby would be the next step.
As far as I was aware I was a normal 20 year old who could have children. I didnt think it would take long. A couple of month maybe.
As long as we have been trying I know of a few people who have gone on to have two more children while we have struggled to have our second.
I just wish I could speed things along and be holding my new born child.
I just wish I could see Mia's face when she see's her new brother or sister.
Hell, even right now id do anything for my period to start. nearly 50 days since I have had a period. In that time a normal person would be coming close to having there second.
I am never going to start clomid at this rate.