Very bad few days. *sigh*

The past few days trying for another baby has really taken its toll on me.

I have indeed shed more then a few tears over TTC this week. I have at times felt inconsoleable about the whole situation. I thought at one point I was having a break down. It did get that bad.

A few things have happend - that I wont share on here as its not my business too that did indeed, If I am being totally honest break my heart.  I have so much to say on the situation but I cant.

Right now, I am numb... I guess thats a pretty accurate description. Numb. I dont feel like I am living, Just plodding along with the day to day churnings of my life.

I made a post the other day about positivity but I feel like my positive-ness has buggerd off and is now avoiding me with a passion.

Its hard to feel positive when it feels like who or whatever controls the universe has a magnifying glass and your the ant its burning.

I feel like such a div moaning about my infertility struggles because I dont feel like I have the right to be upset/angry over the whole thing.

I mean, why should I be able to be upset about being an infertile 22 year old woman who already has a 3.5yr old beautiful little girl? Does that make me greedy? Selfish? Ungreatful?

Probally.

But, I cant help it. My family dosent feel complete. I cant help that.

Music.

I love how sometimes when listening to music you find a song and can instantly relate to it. For me, Music is one of the biggest parts of my life. I have so many favourite songs. I want to share with you one that a friend shared yesterday that has come into my life at a point in time we're TTC a second baby has never felt more painful and at this moment in time - impossible.

Now, I know not every word applys to my situation but some really hit home.

Never on a first listen has a song made me cry as much as this song.

Dreams.

I guess what was said to me last night must have played on my mind a lot more then I thought.

I ended up having what I thought was a rather amusing dream last night.

I had a dream I got my long awaited BFP. two bright pink stinking lines.

I started waving it in my sisters face dancing around going 'WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN'

It has amused me rather much, So watch our Kerry. If I come near you I may just start waving a positive pregnancy test in your face. LOL.

Positive Thinking.

So, With us being TTC for such a very long time I have experienced so many feelings. Anything from very negitive like 'Why is it happening to them and not me?!' or 'Thats so and so pregnant again for the x time in x ammount of years'  to complete acceptence of our situation like 'If xyz can get pregnant for a 2nd time after trying for x ammount of time it will happen to us too'  and 'I know I can get pregnant, Mia is proof of that'. Right now I am feeling very positive. I am positive we WILL get pregnant again one day, I am positive clomid WILL work for us.

When refering to getting pregnant again its more of a case - for me anyway that it WILL happen.

Anyway, Talking to my sister last night about my weight loss and that WHEN i get pregnant my eating habbits have changed and I hope I wont pile on as much weight second time around as I did with Mia.

Now I dont blame my sister for her reaction - I dont think she realises how sensitive I am towards this whole subject.

Her responce knocked me for six.

Dont you mean 'If'

Owch.

Thank you for that.

Just piss on my bonfire.

No negitivness please. I have had enough of them thoughts my self over the past two years.

Positive thinking only please.

Dance

Mia goes to a dance class once a week on a Wednesday. Its the highlight of her week. She loves it and looks forward to it every week. She pretty much counts down to a Wednesday.

Every year the company she goes to hosts this huge dance recitle. This will be Mia's first. I am so excited to see my baby up on the stage dancing her little heart out. She is going to love it. She is a propper little drama queen and will love all the attention.

We went and got our tickets last night and we are second row back and in the middle so we have a perfect view.
We are going to the afternoon performance as I am helping the little ones get ready for the evening performance.

Im such a proud mummy.

Pain in the bum.

And for once I am not referring to my husband.

I woke up this morning in agony. I had been having a pain down my left side for a couple of weeks. It would come and go and I didnt think much of it. Today I woke up and it had spread all over the bottom of my back/ my backside. It took me 15 minutes to drag (and I do mean that in a litral sense) my self out of bed. I had to call Gary to get Mia out of bed as I couldnt litrally move. I was in tears. It was the most pain I had ever been in - And I have had a C/S!!

Ovulation Predictor Kits, Home Pregnancy Tests and Thermometors.

When we first set out on this TTC journey almost two years ago, I said we wouldnt be come one of them couple that become obsessed with taking temraptures and peeing on ovulation sticks. Even Mr T agreed. We would just have lots of sex and eventually get pregnant. I mean people got pregnant before all this kind of thing was invented and known of.

I guess things change.

I never thought we would be a couple seeking fertility treatments.

In these two years my whole outlook on trying to conceive has changed.

It was more of a rollercoaster then I ever thought it would be.

Anyway, Since I knew we was being prescribe clomid, I wanted to to optimise our chances of it working - thus is turn us getting pregnant.

Now, I thought I would have trouble convincing Mr T to agree with this. He has always maintained the 'it will happen when it happens' attitude all through this. I was wrong. I had been tlking about ovulation tests and showing him them and saying how they work. Not really pushing them on him nor saying that I wanted to use them.  

Showed him them in tesco's and said about how they would possibly increase our chances now we have clomid to use. His responce was to order some off EBAY as they would be cheaper.

I was extatic. I was expecting to have to fight my corner. To nag and nag untill he agree'd.

So that is what I did. I orderd 20 OPK's and 20 HPTs. I hope I dont need them all but I think it is safe to say I am well stocked for a couple of months at least.

All I need now is for AF to show her face then we can get this baby making show on the road!