Check out my new AVON eBrochure!

I have become an AVON rep! Feel free to browse the book and place an order! Every time there is a new book I will be placing it on my blog for my lovely readers to have a look through.

Please note I am willing to post items (for a small fee) but at the current time I am only willing to post within the UK.

Giving up. Im done.

I give up, I am done.

I don't want to feel bitter anymore. I cant do it. I cant pretend this is not killing me.

Every BFP I see it breaks my heart that it is not me. 

I try to be happy - but I just cant. 

I have 17 friends on Facebook at the moment who are pregnant. Yes thats right SEVEN FUCKING TEEN. I counted them. I like to torture my self with the fact its still not me. I like to laugh at my self and make my self feel like a failure of a woman.

I should have had my baby by now. Instead I have something that has no cure. I have something that makes me fat, grumpy, sleepy, hairy and irregular (I sound like I have swallowed the cast-off versions of the seven dwarfs!) 

What have I done so wrong that has messed my body up so bad I cant do the one thing its supposed to do?

Right now I want to rip my insides out. 

I don't want to obsess over every little twinge anymore - could this be it? is this pregnancy? is this my period?

I just want a normal 28 day cycle. I was consistency. I want to be able to have a chance of making a baby.

Am so sick of fucking 40/50/60/70 day cycles. How am I supposed to make a baby like that?

Its what, as a woman I was made to do. Its what my body is designed for.

I am a failure.

As I type this with tears running down my face I realize just what TTC has done to me.

It has become my every thought, my every want and need.

New Hair, Makes a person feel brand new.

I decided it was time to change. My hair had gone back to my natural colour and I just really felt like I needed a change. I felt like it was time to freshen my look up a little bit. So here we go...

This was taken straight after I dyed  Gary dyed it. You cant really tell but it is actually a dark purple.

I really, really like it. 

Its amazing how much of a small change can really boost a persons self asteem.

I just need to get it cut now. Roll on Gary's next day off. 

I also look really different minus my glasses. lol. 

 

PCOS Awareness..

I know I babble on a lot about this but I know there is not enough awareness of PCOS. A non-suffer may ask why should there be when it only effects such a small number of women? To that I answer, the few women it does effect it effects them in such a large way, especially the PCOS'ers who have been trying to conceive for a long time. 

Even the non-TTC'ers it can be tough. The weight gain that comes with PCOS  for some women can be sole destroying especially if until pre-puberty you was slim and toned.

Please, blog readers... Please click this link and sign my Twittion

http://twitition.com/okr2p/ 

Weight Watchers.

I have been going to weight watchers for over a year now. I have lost 2.5st in that time. It has not been easy by any means. I gain weight way to easy so I do feel like I have to try harder then a non-PCOS person.

I have done well to loose weigh with only the aid of good old fashion dieting and exercise. 

I have found a love for exercise that I have never had in my life.

I was always the girl in PE class that avoided it like the plague.

 I started loosing weight so I would get clomid but as the weight fell off an my body shape changed I began to feel happier with the way I was starting to look.

I no longer want to go back to the weight I was a year ago. 

I just want to continue to see my weight drop. 

Although my body shape has changed, I am a lower weight now then I was when I fell pregnant with Mia 3 years ago.

For me, Knowing how I was when I was pregnant with Mia gives me hope that when I finally do become pregnant I will be more active and be able to be consistent with eating healthy. 

My Soy Cycle.

After hearing so much about soy I decided to take it this cycle.
 I have heard of a few people on Just Mommies getting pregnant by taking this in place of clomid.
As this cycle has gone on for what feels like forever, I had totally forgotten that this cycle I had taken it. I took it from cycle day 5 till cycle day 10 at 750mg once a day.
It appears that it has not worked as I am now on cycle day 53 , if anything it has made my cycle longer. (my last cycle was 42 days) I guess it doesn't work for everyone.
 However, the end of my cycle could be in site... According to fertility friend I am now 8dpo (days past ovulation) and most people have a luteal phase of 14 days. Im not sure if I want to believe it though as it told me I had ovulated before and then when it was at like 17dop it told me I had not ovulated at all. However last time my coverline was dotted - this time it is a solid line. According to my online friends a solid coverline means FF is certain I ovulated.

 My only worry about the soy not working, is that it is supposed to be a natural clomid. If thats the case - what hope do I have if this doesn't work that clomid will? What if all this hope I have in clomid will be a waste and I wont get anything from clomid?

I know, I know just because soy didnt work for me dosent mean clomid will be the same. Clomid could be my magic medicine and give me the baby I am longing so much for.

Boring.

Gary is at work and Mia is at school, I have done all my housework so I have nothing left to do for the day..

Its so quiet when they are both at work and school. 

I do feel really lost and I find it so boring!

Right now Mia is only part time so I dread to think what bored I will be when shes full time! - Hopefully by then we will have another little one keeping me company . 

I have just watched the Glee I recoded last night and I am just watching One Born Every Minute. I have no idea why I put my self through this every week. Seeing this women give birth to beautiful babies always leaves me in tears. 

I do tend to watch OBEM when Gary isnt around as he always takes the mick out of me for crying.

I was never this soppy pre Mia. That child has made me a gigantic ball of sappiness.