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Giving up. Im done.

I give up, I am done.

I don't want to feel bitter anymore. I cant do it. I cant pretend this is not killing me.

Every BFP I see it breaks my heart that it is not me. 

I try to be happy - but I just cant. 

I have 17 friends on Facebook at the moment who are pregnant. Yes thats right SEVEN FUCKING TEEN. I counted them. I like to torture my self with the fact its still not me. I like to laugh at my self and make my self feel like a failure of a woman.

I should have had my baby by now. Instead I have something that has no cure. I have something that makes me fat, grumpy, sleepy, hairy and irregular (I sound like I have swallowed the cast-off versions of the seven dwarfs!) 

What have I done so wrong that has messed my body up so bad I cant do the one thing its supposed to do?

Right now I want to rip my insides out. 

I don't want to obsess over every little twinge anymore - could this be it? is this pregnancy? is this my period?

I just want a normal 28 day cycle. I was consistency. I want to be able to have a chance of making a baby.

Am so sick of fucking 40/50/60/70 day cycles. How am I supposed to make a baby like that?

Its what, as a woman I was made to do. Its what my body is designed for.

I am a failure.

As I type this with tears running down my face I realize just what TTC has done to me.

It has become my every thought, my every want and need.

New Hair, Makes a person feel brand new.

I decided it was time to change. My hair had gone back to my natural colour and I just really felt like I needed a change. I felt like it was time to freshen my look up a little bit. So here we go...

This was taken straight after I dyed  Gary dyed it. You cant really tell but it is actually a dark purple.

I really, really like it. 

Its amazing how much of a small change can really boost a persons self asteem.

I just need to get it cut now. Roll on Gary's next day off. 

I also look really different minus my glasses. lol. 

 

PCOS Awareness..

I know I babble on a lot about this but I know there is not enough awareness of PCOS. A non-suffer may ask why should there be when it only effects such a small number of women? To that I answer, the few women it does effect it effects them in such a large way, especially the PCOS'ers who have been trying to conceive for a long time. 

Even the non-TTC'ers it can be tough. The weight gain that comes with PCOS  for some women can be sole destroying especially if until pre-puberty you was slim and toned.

Please, blog readers... Please click this link and sign my Twittion

http://twitition.com/okr2p/ 

Weight Watchers.

I have been going to weight watchers for over a year now. I have lost 2.5st in that time. It has not been easy by any means. I gain weight way to easy so I do feel like I have to try harder then a non-PCOS person.

I have done well to loose weigh with only the aid of good old fashion dieting and exercise. 

I have found a love for exercise that I have never had in my life.

I was always the girl in PE class that avoided it like the plague.

 I started loosing weight so I would get clomid but as the weight fell off an my body shape changed I began to feel happier with the way I was starting to look.

I no longer want to go back to the weight I was a year ago. 

I just want to continue to see my weight drop. 

Although my body shape has changed, I am a lower weight now then I was when I fell pregnant with Mia 3 years ago.

For me, Knowing how I was when I was pregnant with Mia gives me hope that when I finally do become pregnant I will be more active and be able to be consistent with eating healthy. 

My Soy Cycle.

After hearing so much about soy I decided to take it this cycle.
 I have heard of a few people on Just Mommies getting pregnant by taking this in place of clomid.
As this cycle has gone on for what feels like forever, I had totally forgotten that this cycle I had taken it. I took it from cycle day 5 till cycle day 10 at 750mg once a day.
It appears that it has not worked as I am now on cycle day 53 , if anything it has made my cycle longer. (my last cycle was 42 days) I guess it doesn't work for everyone.
 However, the end of my cycle could be in site... According to fertility friend I am now 8dpo (days past ovulation) and most people have a luteal phase of 14 days. Im not sure if I want to believe it though as it told me I had ovulated before and then when it was at like 17dop it told me I had not ovulated at all. However last time my coverline was dotted - this time it is a solid line. According to my online friends a solid coverline means FF is certain I ovulated.

 My only worry about the soy not working, is that it is supposed to be a natural clomid. If thats the case - what hope do I have if this doesn't work that clomid will? What if all this hope I have in clomid will be a waste and I wont get anything from clomid?

I know, I know just because soy didnt work for me dosent mean clomid will be the same. Clomid could be my magic medicine and give me the baby I am longing so much for.

Boring.

Gary is at work and Mia is at school, I have done all my housework so I have nothing left to do for the day..

Its so quiet when they are both at work and school. 

I do feel really lost and I find it so boring!

Right now Mia is only part time so I dread to think what bored I will be when shes full time! - Hopefully by then we will have another little one keeping me company . 

I have just watched the Glee I recoded last night and I am just watching One Born Every Minute. I have no idea why I put my self through this every week. Seeing this women give birth to beautiful babies always leaves me in tears. 

I do tend to watch OBEM when Gary isnt around as he always takes the mick out of me for crying.

I was never this soppy pre Mia. That child has made me a gigantic ball of sappiness. 

Support PCOS

6-10% Of Women Have PCOS.

I am part of that small number

My daughter has a 50% chance of inheriting PCOS from me.

Support PCOS. Find a cure. 

 

Bad Thoughts & Guilty Feelings.

I am feeling so incredibly guilty right now. The thoughts I have had over the past few weeks have some times been very bleek and I have lost any kind of positive thoughts I once had.

Right now, the thought of us having another baby seems pretty much impossible.

I never realised TTC would have such an impact on my mental health.

The tears I have cried, the feeling of heart break it has been such a rollercoaster.Good or bad these emoctions are attached to my journey.

A journey that I honestly thought would not be this long, but sometimes life takes turns for the unexpected.

I dont understand why when I didnt feel ready for children and was on birth control I was sent my miriceal baby Mia, now we're ready and trying we cant get pregnant, instead I get a PCOS diagnosis.

Why everyone else around me seems to get pregnant with no trouble.
We're as every day passes and Mia gets a little older the small age gap I wanted gets larger.

I sometimes doubt I will never have another child. I sometimes feel like we are not ment to expand our family of 3.

Sometimes I feel I should just accept this is our life, Me, Gary and Mia.

Dont get me wrong, I am very greatful to have what we have.

I love my husband and our child very much.

Then other days, like today I feel like I should carry on fighting for the family I know we deserve. The family we should have.
Mordern medicine has come so far, modern medicine is there and should be used to full advantage, espeically if it is giving us a small hope that we would be the family of four i so long for us to be.

I day dream about the day we can tell our family we are finally pregnant.

I dream about all the congratulations and tears of joy that will be said and shared between us all.

I dream about telling Mia she will be having a brother or sister and the look of not really knowing what I am going on about on her face.

I dream about me, Gary and Mia all going to my first scan and seeing the little blob on the screen

I dream about feeling the movements, watching my belly grow, buying baby things, picking names.

I have dreamed about everything, I just cant wait for it to be reality.

My chart.

I have bee temping to see if it works for me. To see if it can give me some indication on how long my cycle will be and see if I can find a rhyme or rhythm to them. I only decided to do this part way through my cycle (CD23) I am not becoming a serious temper as I would get too stressed and this has been complicated to get my head around. I ended up thinking I had ovulated, Turns out it was wrong and I had not. I am now being told I am 4 days past ovulation. This time I think it was right. The night before I had really bad stomach ache and was rather grumpy. Instead of having a dashed red line telling me my coverline the line is now solid. I hope this is right this time. I really want to hurry up and start a new cycle.

My Ovulation Chart

48 days.

I am on CD48 and I am showing no signs of AF.

I went to the Doctors yesterday in hopes they would be able to give me something to help induce her.

I sat down and told her, Asked her if there was anything she could give me to help make it come. She looked at me like I had an extra head. I gave her examples of drugs I know my self from friends that have PCOS that have taken. She said there was nothing they could give me to make my period come but there was plenty she could give me to make it stop. She never checked or anything. Just told me out right.

I know there is something I could be given as I was given something from my OBGYN to make my period come so I could have my HCG xray.

I wish it was as simple as ringing my OBGYN up and them being able to slot me in as soon as possible. However, they only hold a clinic here twice a month and spaces are tight. I have an appointment in June but they could move it forward to May. There was no real point in doing that.

When I was at the doctors there was a few positive points. My blood pressure is fine and my weight has gone down 3st2lb since Febuary last year.

Every cloud I guess

PCOS is my nemisis.

Or at least it feels like it is right now.
I really wish I was a 'normal' bodied woman right now. Every day that passes we are etching closer to the two year mark of when I first came off the birth control pill. When me and my then soon to be husband decided that trying for a second baby would be the next step.
As far as I was aware I was a normal 20 year old who could have children. I didnt think it would take long. A couple of month maybe.
As long as we have been trying I know of a few people who have gone on to have two more children while we have struggled to have our second.
I just wish I could speed things along and be holding my new born child.
I just wish I could see Mia's face when she see's her new brother or sister.
Hell, even right now id do anything for my period to start. nearly 50 days since I have had a period. In that time a normal person would be coming close to having there second.
I am never going to start clomid at this rate.

Very bad few days. *sigh*

The past few days trying for another baby has really taken its toll on me.

I have indeed shed more then a few tears over TTC this week. I have at times felt inconsoleable about the whole situation. I thought at one point I was having a break down. It did get that bad.

A few things have happend - that I wont share on here as its not my business too that did indeed, If I am being totally honest break my heart.  I have so much to say on the situation but I cant.

Right now, I am numb... I guess thats a pretty accurate description. Numb. I dont feel like I am living, Just plodding along with the day to day churnings of my life.

I made a post the other day about positivity but I feel like my positive-ness has buggerd off and is now avoiding me with a passion.

Its hard to feel positive when it feels like who or whatever controls the universe has a magnifying glass and your the ant its burning.

I feel like such a div moaning about my infertility struggles because I dont feel like I have the right to be upset/angry over the whole thing.

I mean, why should I be able to be upset about being an infertile 22 year old woman who already has a 3.5yr old beautiful little girl? Does that make me greedy? Selfish? Ungreatful?

Probally.

But, I cant help it. My family dosent feel complete. I cant help that.

Music.

I love how sometimes when listening to music you find a song and can instantly relate to it. For me, Music is one of the biggest parts of my life. I have so many favourite songs. I want to share with you one that a friend shared yesterday that has come into my life at a point in time we're TTC a second baby has never felt more painful and at this moment in time - impossible.

Now, I know not every word applys to my situation but some really hit home.

Never on a first listen has a song made me cry as much as this song.

Dreams.

I guess what was said to me last night must have played on my mind a lot more then I thought.

I ended up having what I thought was a rather amusing dream last night.

I had a dream I got my long awaited BFP. two bright pink stinking lines.

I started waving it in my sisters face dancing around going 'WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN WHEN'

It has amused me rather much, So watch our Kerry. If I come near you I may just start waving a positive pregnancy test in your face. LOL.

Positive Thinking.

So, With us being TTC for such a very long time I have experienced so many feelings. Anything from very negitive like 'Why is it happening to them and not me?!' or 'Thats so and so pregnant again for the x time in x ammount of years'  to complete acceptence of our situation like 'If xyz can get pregnant for a 2nd time after trying for x ammount of time it will happen to us too'  and 'I know I can get pregnant, Mia is proof of that'. Right now I am feeling very positive. I am positive we WILL get pregnant again one day, I am positive clomid WILL work for us.

When refering to getting pregnant again its more of a case - for me anyway that it WILL happen.

Anyway, Talking to my sister last night about my weight loss and that WHEN i get pregnant my eating habbits have changed and I hope I wont pile on as much weight second time around as I did with Mia.

Now I dont blame my sister for her reaction - I dont think she realises how sensitive I am towards this whole subject.

Her responce knocked me for six.

Dont you mean 'If'

Owch.

Thank you for that.

Just piss on my bonfire.

No negitivness please. I have had enough of them thoughts my self over the past two years.

Positive thinking only please.

Dance

Mia goes to a dance class once a week on a Wednesday. Its the highlight of her week. She loves it and looks forward to it every week. She pretty much counts down to a Wednesday.

Every year the company she goes to hosts this huge dance recitle. This will be Mia's first. I am so excited to see my baby up on the stage dancing her little heart out. She is going to love it. She is a propper little drama queen and will love all the attention.

We went and got our tickets last night and we are second row back and in the middle so we have a perfect view.
We are going to the afternoon performance as I am helping the little ones get ready for the evening performance.

Im such a proud mummy.

Pain in the bum.

And for once I am not referring to my husband.

I woke up this morning in agony. I had been having a pain down my left side for a couple of weeks. It would come and go and I didnt think much of it. Today I woke up and it had spread all over the bottom of my back/ my backside. It took me 15 minutes to drag (and I do mean that in a litral sense) my self out of bed. I had to call Gary to get Mia out of bed as I couldnt litrally move. I was in tears. It was the most pain I had ever been in - And I have had a C/S!!

Ovulation Predictor Kits, Home Pregnancy Tests and Thermometors.

When we first set out on this TTC journey almost two years ago, I said we wouldnt be come one of them couple that become obsessed with taking temraptures and peeing on ovulation sticks. Even Mr T agreed. We would just have lots of sex and eventually get pregnant. I mean people got pregnant before all this kind of thing was invented and known of.

I guess things change.

I never thought we would be a couple seeking fertility treatments.

In these two years my whole outlook on trying to conceive has changed.

It was more of a rollercoaster then I ever thought it would be.

Anyway, Since I knew we was being prescribe clomid, I wanted to to optimise our chances of it working - thus is turn us getting pregnant.

Now, I thought I would have trouble convincing Mr T to agree with this. He has always maintained the 'it will happen when it happens' attitude all through this. I was wrong. I had been tlking about ovulation tests and showing him them and saying how they work. Not really pushing them on him nor saying that I wanted to use them.  

Showed him them in tesco's and said about how they would possibly increase our chances now we have clomid to use. His responce was to order some off EBAY as they would be cheaper.

I was extatic. I was expecting to have to fight my corner. To nag and nag untill he agree'd.

So that is what I did. I orderd 20 OPK's and 20 HPTs. I hope I dont need them all but I think it is safe to say I am well stocked for a couple of months at least.

All I need now is for AF to show her face then we can get this baby making show on the road!

Valentines Day

Its not for another couple of days but we managed to get a baby sitter and was able to celebrate it early.

We're not the kind of couple who buy each other boxes of chocolates, have candle lit dinners and exchange mushy cards. That just is not us. Never has been, never will be.

Anyway, We went to my favorite resturant - Frankie and Benny's. I had a chicken carbonara calzone with a jacket potato, Mr T had some chicken and ribs platter. It was loverly!

After there we headed to the cinema to see 'Black Swan'. I had heard a lot of good things about this film, it had won and been nominated for a lot of awards. I loved it. Even Mr T liked it. It was very psycological. Well worth it if you like them kind of films.

Me and Mr gary had a lovely time and it was nice to spend some time alone, as a couple as it dosent happen very often.

Was also nice to talk about something other then us TTC.