Thank you

When I started this blog a mere month ago I never thought anyone would read it. I thought at most it would be a place where I could vent and say how I am feeling. Maybe even share information in hopes it would get some views. Maybe even inform some people who have no idea what PCOS is. Thank you to everyone who checks this blog once, twice and if i am lucky more then that.
I hope you have picked something up while reading this.

Even if its just a bit about me that you never knew before. 

I am sharing with you MY infertility journey. 

This is how it feels for me, these are my thoughts and feelings.

I am not a natural blogger but I am trying to keep this blog up to date with the going on in my life.

Even the not-so fantastic bits! 

I want this blog to be no hold bars. 

So thank you to everyone who has read my blog, left a comment or clicked on one of my ads.

Emma :o) 

Back away!

If you could see me these past few days you would think i have gone a bit crazy.
I cant help my self. I cant help but look at baby clothes, baby accsessories... I have even been looking at baby names.

I feel I am getting far too hopful.

I know if this dose not work I am going to be heartbroken

I guess this is my way of keeping positive.

Its been two years of trying.

I finally have a reason to feel like I may acutally get my BFP soon

Mia is sick...again.

We've been nursing a poorly toddler the past couple of days.

Yesterday night she was up twice - Once about 2am and then again at 5am. Me and Mia came down at 5am. She just lolled on the sofa - never showed any intrest in her breakfast. I knew then she was poorly. Breakfast is the one meal she never turns down - even normally when she is poorly.

She slept from 8am till 12pm. When she woke up I offerd her, her favorite dinner (Ham & Cheese sandwiches) - She looked at it and boked. She then fell back to sleep.

We kept pushing fluids down her - offering her milkshakes when ever she was awake just so we knew she was getting something in her.

The only time we would move was when she needed the toilet, even then she wanted to be carried. Now anyone who knows Mia, Will know that she dosent stop moving from the moment she gets up till the minute she goes to bed. She is on the move ALL.THE.TIME.

All she did was sleep, cry, sleep, moan, cry and sleep. Was heartbreaking seeing her so poorly. At one point her temprature sored to 39.1'c (102.38f). Luckily stripping her down and giving her some calpol brought it down again.

Today she is a bit better... Shes been moving about but still be very finikey with food.

I am hoping tomorrow she is back to her normal self.

I hate seeing her poorly!

I have a secret...

I have a secret...

I think Mr T is trying not to get too excited,
I think Mr T is trying so hard!
I think he is almost as excited as I am.

When we 1st came off the pill to TTC, Even though he would never admit it he wanted another baby as much as I did, Maybe even more. He suggested I came off the pill when I did. He was excited. He like me thought maybe a couple a months and we would be pregnant.
Now, we now know that was not the case, That didn't happen. Turns out we're not as fertile as we thought we was. I mean wouldn't any couple who fell pregnant when they was on the pill think they was like mega fertile?

As the months past and it became apparent something was wrong with me he started telling me he no longer wanted another baby. That things we're fine with just Mia. Now that must make me sound like a horrible person because I told him that I wanted another baby and carried on doing what I was doing, but I just knew deep down he didn't mean what he said - thats why I pushed forward with the seeing my Dr. I am so glad my womens intuition was right.
Almost bang on a year since we first met Dr B we have been given a small chance of hope. We've been given a small chance of hope in the form of a small tablet. A tablet that could give us, a tablet that could give me, Gary and Mia the chance to extend our family. 

For the 1st time in almost two years the hopeful look is back in his eye.
I know he would never admit it,m but you can tell.

I can almost gauntee if you asked him he would tell you he is only doing this for me. I know its not.

Weightloss

Ooops! With all the excitement of Wednesday I totally forgot to update my weightloss...

I lost 1.5lb again this week.
Thats 8.5lb in the 4 weeks we have been back since after Christmas.
I am down to 16st13lb. I just need to loose another 9lb to get my 3 stone.
I am really excited and very hopeful to try and get to 15st13. Thats 14lb away.
I am in kicking fat's backside at the moment. I don't remember the last time I weighed 15st.
 I was 16st the first time I joined weight watchers at 16 so it was certainly when I was in secondary school.

A new hope.

I feel our appointment on Wednesday has given us a new lease of hope. After nearly 2 years the excitement of TTC had almost worn off. There is only so many times you have do the deed and keep hopfull even though deep down there is no chance that you could ever be pregnant. It got to the point where it felt like there was no point trying because there was nothing to try for. I had no real reason to try. My body was not ovulating so there was no chance I could get pregnant. It felt like my body had built up this defense and was being its own kind of birth control. A birth control that was not wanted. One that I wished would bugger off! It was the most discouraging feeling in the world. It make me feel hurt and angry knowing how badly we wanted another baby but wouldnt even be in the slighest chance of being pregnant because MY body wont work! 

Being given clomid was like a glimmer of hope. It was like finally feeling like all my hard work is starting to pay off. I am willing this to work with all my heart. I will do anything to make this work.

I am trying so hard to loose as much weight as I can between now and starting it. I would love to be 15st before I fell pregnant. Thats almost a full stone lighter then I was when I fell pregnant with Mia.  

We had a great appointment.

Wow... what an appointment.
They was running about an hour behind! Good Old NHS!

 I saw loads of pregnant bellies and felt so envious! I cant wait till thats me! I will wear my bump with pride one day soon! I seriously hate the fact that you have to go to the same place were they do the U/S to see the fertility Dr. Really irks me. Hospital was clearly designed by a man. No consideration to couples suffering from infertility issues.
Anyway!! Onto my appointment....
I got weighed by the nurse... Same as this AM. I am 16st13lb (33lb LESS then my starting weight a year ago). I then had to go and wait outside while the nurse gave my new stats to my Dr. Went in and the Dr asked if I was ok... I said yeah and apologized that I didn't loose much weight this time due to the death we had before x-mas, then x-mas and I put on a lot but since then I have lost 9lb. Dr replied everyone gained over x-mas so don't worry... As long as I am loosing again now its okay.
I also told her about the pain I have been getting...Told her how painfull it was that ibuprofen didn't cut it and ended up going to the doctors she jotted it down in my file and told me to keep an eye on it. 
Then onto the good news... I am taking Clomid. Oh yes! Its taken a year but we have finally progressed from just loosing weight! we are now officially TTC with Medical Assistance! I have been given a 3 month supply of 50mg.to start with.
I have to start taking them on the 2nd dayt of my cycle for 5 days. On the 2nd and 3rd cycle I have to have blood work on CD21. 
I asked what happens if AF don't start on its own what do I do then?, Dr replied if its not here by the end of Feb start of March to call the office and they will see me to sort something out. So fingers crossed AF starts on CD49 like before!!
I was also told that there was risks of multiples with this being a fertility drug.. I replied that thats fine I don't mind! Gary looked like :mellow: hah!
I asked what should I do if I get pregnant, I have to ring them up and chances are they will want to see me and check me out and have a chat.
If the clomid dont work I have an appointment for the 6th June. Fingers tightly crossed I WILL NOT NEED THAT APPOINTMENT!!!!!!